Total Transformation Final Blog Part 3

In this part of the essay I write about who I became during the 12 week challenge.



Who Will You Become?

Every week when I got my Body Building emails the question was asked, "Who will you become?"

Here is what I became over the last 12 weeks:
◾A stronger person
◾A confident person
◾Someone who is doing things she never knew she could do.
◾Someone who says I can instead of I can't
◾An athlete
◾A person who can look in the mirror and like what she sees
◾An inspiration to others
◾A role model to my kids
◾Someone who finished something for the first time in her life.
◾A person that is ready to take on the world instead of staying in and hiding from the world
◾Someone who walks a little taller
◾Someone that can so no to people
◾Someone who now knows how to set boundaries and keep them
◾Someone who doesn't care what people think anymore
◾Someone that is finally putting herself first for the first time in her life.
◾Someone who WILL reach all of her goals and dreams.

Here is who I will become when I reach my dreams and goals:
◾I will be an Ironman
◾I will be a marathoner
◾I will help obese kids and their families better their lives.
◾I will be a role model to others and help them take back their lives.
◾I will have lost 150 pounds.
◾I will be mentally the strongest person I have ever known.
◾I will be closer to God.
◾I will write a book.
◾I will be happy with who I am no matter what is going on.
◾I will always look at life positively and live with my glass half full, not half empt



I will always look back and remember the Total Transformation as a key point in taking my life back and will always be grateful for this start to my journey.

Total Transformation Challenge Final Blog Part 2

In this part of my essay I talk about what motivated me during the last 12 weeks





My Motivation

The one person that motivates me the most is my mom, Patti. She died obese at the young age of 53. She left behind 4 kids and a husband and a very promising life My mom did not take care of herself. I am a lot like my mom. Some traits I love sharing with her, but being overweight and unhealthy is one way that I don't want to be like my mom.

I also have two wonderful kids, Tricia and Parker, who deserve to have their mom around for a long time. They motivate me all the time and even help me eat healthy.

My personal trainer, Justin, has been a key person in my motivation before and during this challenge. He believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself. He encouraged me to join this challenge and even on the dark days he never gave up on me. I have been known to push people away and quit when things get hard. Justin is the first person who didn't let me push him away and would not let me quit. He is a great personal trainer and knows just how to help me and keep me motivated and help me see what the final outcome will be.

Another person that motivates me is my friend, Rich Kalasky. He has lost 160 pounds and is now an endurance athlete and coach. During the 12 week challenge he was there for me every step of the way. I could call or text at anytime and he would talk me through the hard stuff. It was great because he has been exactly where I am, so he understood.

Rich introduced me to the most wonderful saying RELENTLESS FORWARD MOTION. I was having a hard time with how I had gained all my weight back and just felt like a failure. Rich kept encouraging me to keep moving with RELENTLESS FORWARD MOTION. He told me that no matter what happened in my past and whatever will happen in the future I need to just keep moving forward. Keep my eye on where I want to go and not on where I have been. Rich, also encouraged me to always be positive. No matter what you are going through you can always have a positive outlook. I have adapted these two concepts into my journey. RELENTLESS FORWARD MOTION is now my daily, hourly, and sometimes even minutely (I know it's not a word) mantra. This has been great motivation for me.

Another person that motivates me is Jesus Christ without Him I am nothing. My favorite Bible verse that has helped me through this journey is, "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength."-Philippians 4:13.

There were times during this challenge that things got really hard for me. There were weeks that I gained weight. There were weeks that I had hard personal things come up and I didn't think that I would be able to make it. The last thing I wanted to do was workout and there were times that I gave in to my old habits and ate things I shouldn't. I had to learn how to deal with the emotional problems without turning to food or self sabotaging myself.

This is when my motivation was the lowest. I found that I wanted to quit and could care less. I worked with my counselor, James, worked hard, and realized that I couldn't keep doing this cycle. I would have a few good weeks and then hit a low, so low I had hard digging myself out of the pit. He gave me tools to use, we worked on hard things from my childhood and during this 12 week challenge I really had a huge turn around in my mental health, which then turned into 6 weeks in a row of me losing weight.

My motivation came back and I knew that I would never go back to those dark days. This has been some of the hardest things I have had to work through, but am so thankful that I did. My counselor and personal trainer really stuck by me during these times and I'm so thankful they did. If they didn't I don't know where I would be today.

I think it is great that I have so many people in my life that motivate me, but really the most important person that I need to have motivate me is me. If I cannot motivate myself I will not get to the gym, workout, or eat right.

I did not lose all the weight I wanted during this challenge because of these dark days I had, but I'm ok with that because the mental transformation that took place over the last 12 weeks was amazing and something that I'm so thankful for. I'm a completely new person and there is no stopping me now. I'm so motivated to now keep going and finally hit my goals. I have dreamt for a long time to be able to release a lot of pain in my life and during this transformation challenge that has finally happened. Thank you so much for your part in my physical transformation, but more importantly my mental transformation.

Total Transformation Challenge Final Blog Part 1

12 weeks ago I signed up for a 12 week weight loss challenge at the urging of my personal trainer, Justin Killeen. I just finished it this past week and had to turn in my after pics and a final essay. I will be posting my final essay in three parts. Here is the first one.




The gray pictures are my before and the pink pictures are my after pics.


In 2008 I weighed in at 306 pounds and knew that I had to change my life. I worked hard over the next 2 years and lost 106 pounds. In 2010 I was diagnosed with Crohn's Diease and was put on Prednisone and it caused me to gain back 50 pounds. After that I moved to Massachusetts from Illinois, where I lived for 27 years It was hard to move and make friends and during the first year of living here had some depression and gained the rest of my weight back minus 1 pound. I weighed in at 305 pounds.

In October 2012 I decided I had had enough and went for a walk. It was a tough week. I wanted to quit, but I pushed myself and finally was walking home and I saw a sign for a personal trainer. I emailed him that night, we talked on the phone, and on November 5th, I started with him and have been having success.

In December he sent out an email to all his clients and encouraged us to join the Dynamatize Nutrition Total Transformation Challenge. There was no way I was going to join. I had joined other contests before and failed. I've self sabotaged myself and felt like I had failed, so I didn't want to join another challenge and fail and disappoint my personal trainer, Justin. I knew I wasn't going to do it, but Justin kept encouraging me and finally I gave in. I was all set to do this.

We met together and made a plan.

My Workout Schedule

The first thing we talked about was my workout plan. I was only meeting with Justin once a week, but we changed that to two days a week. We would workout on Mondays and Fridays and concentrate on my weight training. The rest of the week I would concentrate on burning the most calories I could. I was burning around 1000 calories a day when not working out with Justin. I would also do core training. Later on in the 12 weeks I added a third day of weight training. I used the elliptical, treadmill, jump roping, and boxing to get my heart rate up and burn the most calories possible. I also took some hikes and really surprised myself with what I could do and accomplish.



My Nutritional Plan.

Next up we talked about the nutritional plan with Justin. I would be eating 5-6 small meals day 2-3 hours apart. My meals would include lean protein, fruits, veggies, and some starches like sweet potatoes and brown rice. I also quit eating out for the most part and only drink water and green tea. I had my days were I gave into temptation, but overall my nutrition plan was a good one. I also was introduced to protein shakes (see My Supplement Plan). I would have one shake in the morning before my morning workout, one midmorning, and one after my evening workout. These were a great addition to my nutritional plan as I never felt hungry.

My Supplement Plan

When we discussed my nutritional plan we also discussed what I would do for my supplements. I had never included supplements into any program I had been on. I have to take a lot of pills for my Crohn's Disease and thinking about taking more pills was just a turn off. I didn't realize that taking supplements was not just pills. However, I did add Fish Oil to my pill regiment. I learned that it will help keep my heart healthy, my blood pressure normal, and a healthy immune system, which is really good for someone with Crohn's.

I started taking Amino Energy before my workouts. I love this stuff. It really gave me just the boost I needed to up my workouts and get more out of my workouts. Next up, I would take Glutamine after my really hard workouts to help with my recovery. I also, as mentioned above, I started drinking protein shakes. I used Vanilla flavored performance whey. I really loved introducing protein shakes into my program. I love how full I felt after drinking a shake. These are all things that I will use even though my 12 week transformation is over.

I'm finally heading NORTH

March 13, 2013, is a day that changed the course of my healthy journey. It was another nomal day of working out for me. I wanted to get 2 hours of cardio in before starting my day.

It was a very beautiful day out. The weather was perfect, so I knew I had to take my workout outside. I have a route I usually run that takes me about an hour and I decided I would do the rest of my cario in the park by my house, but a little voice spoke up and said, "Hey Melissa jog to Mt. Sugarloaf and hike up it."

I tried to ignore the voice, but it wouldn't stop, so I started out jogging/walking to Mt. Sugarloaf. Within 5 minutes my calves were on fire. I've been having some goofy issues with my calves, so I thought I should turn around and go home, but that voice told me to keep going. I was starting to dislike that voice very much, but felt the pull to keep going, so I stretched out my calves and continued on my way. I had to walk most of the way to Mt. Sugarloaf, but I finally made it to the base.

I remembered about an "easier" trail that a lady told me about, so I started up the mountain. Within about 5 minutes, if that, I knew I was in trouble. The "easy" trail goes straight up the mountain. After using a few tree branches to help me up, I stopped, and took a break because both of my calves were cramping up again. I leaned on a tree, streched them out and was trying to decide what to do. I looked down and then up. Neither option was looking promising and I wanted to cry, but I sucked it up and told myself that I could do it and the only option for me was up. I had to climb over and up tree roots, rocks, and huge manmade stairs! My feet slipped on icy leaves and on mud. I even got a little puncture wound, from a branch, on my sore calf, which ended up bleeding for awhile.


This is a picture of the trail and the tree roots I had to climb. I basically bear crawled up this part.

After all of this I finally reached the top. The last few steps, when I knew I would make it, were just the best feelings ever. The tears just started and I couldn't stop them if I wanted to.

As I got to the top I realized I was stuck. There was a chainlink fence and another part that was fence posts with two ropes that were made out of metal (it's hard to describe). There I was stuck just steps from the top with no way to get there. I knew there was no way I was going back down the way I had just come. I had overcome too much. I needed to get to the top no matter what obstacle lay in my way.

There was no way I was climbing the fence, so I decided to go through the 2, not too flexible, metal ropes. I was worried because of my size, but I pushed forward and got through just to have my foot get caught, so I'm laughing, while crying and finally get untangled and then hike the final few steps to the top and I sit down and look out for miles and I lost it. I just start bawling like a baby.

I wasn't crying just because I made it to the top, I was crying because that hike represents my life. Every step, every leg cramp, every tree root, every rock I climbed, every time I slipped and every drop of blood coming from my leg represents all the obstacles I have faced in my life.

In the past at the first sign of pain, I would shove it down, turn around and retreat. The pain was too much to handle then, but not this time. In the first 5 minutes, after hiking, and seeing how hard it was I wanted to quit, but something was different this time. I didn't, I kept going.

Each obstacle I overcame was like a weight being lifted from me. It was amazing, which is why I just started crying at the top. Those close to me know that I hate to cry. I've gotten very good at stopping myself when I start of just not starting at all. My big fear is that when I start I will not be able to stop.

As I sat there crying I realized I was starting to stop myself, so I did one of the hardest things I've ever done. I let myself cry and the floodgates were opened. I let years of tears fall. It was so amazing! It was like my heart had a cleansing and a load had been lifted and then the most amazing thing happened, I stopped crying. My big fear did not come true. I was actually able to stop after letting it all out.

As I got ready to head down the mountain I thankd God for this moment. I knew in that moment it was His voice telling meto hike up Mt. Sugarloaf that day and I thanked Him for having me listen, which I usually don't do. Then I prayed and gave all of my troubles to Him. I gave Him all the problems of my past and anything that will come up in my future. I left them all on top of Mt. Sugarloaf that day. As I sat there I just pictured leaving it all there to blow away in the wind.

I took a different route down the mountain. It symbolized for me not going back to the obstacles that I had just overcome. Those are in my past and there was no reason to revisit them, to dwell on them. They were done. I walked/jogged down the main road. Parts of it were covered in ice and at one point I slipped and fell, but picked myself right back up. As I kept working my way down I thought about the ice and this symbolized to me that there will still be days where I slip and fall, but I just need to pick myself right back up and keep moving with relentless forward motion. I cannot let the slip ups become big obstacles again to overcome.
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This was ice on the side of the mountain and continued down half of the road.

I made it down the mountain and jogged/walked home with the biggest smile on my face. The person that came down that mountain was not the same person that cllimbed up it and for that I am grateful.

I have definitely turned a corner and cannot wait to see what's next for me in my journey.

I have had a favorite Bible verse for awhile now, but after this experience it takes on a whole new meaning. The verse is Deuteronomy 2:3, "You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn North." I am FINALLY heading North and it feels great.

If you have obstacles that keep tripping you up it is time to work on overcoming them. It is so worth it. Stick with it. It taken me years to get to this point. My prayer is that it won't take you as long and that you will quit circling your own mountain and finally head North. You won't regret it.

This post is dedicated to my good friend, John Patella. He knew this day was coming and kept encouraging me to just let go and cry when the day came and that is just what I did. Thanks John for sticking by me. You are a good friend.

CHEAT DAYS or should I say TREAT DAYS?

Lately I have been hearing the phrases "cheat day" and "cheat meal." I went on a trip recently and a friend told me, "Just plan out your cheats. Make sure what you have is really worth it." A lot of major diet programs out there are now building in cheat days into their programs. I saw it on a Jenny Craig commericial. This isn't a new concept, but seems like it is talked about a lot more now, so it got me thinking.

Ever since I was little and in school I've been told not to cheat on my homework. I've been told as I grew up and got a job that it is not ok to cheat an employer out of money. Once I got married I was told not to cheat on my husband. When I started doing taxes, same thing, don't cheat. CHEATING has always been bad. Always negative. People have been expelled from school, fired from jobs, and divorced from cheating, so for me to wrap my brain around cheat days and cheat meals being positive, well, I just can't do it.

I have tried every diet in my adult life. Every diet has told me what I can and cannot eat. It has been restrictive and when I would go off plan to have a treat, the guilt would consume me, which ultimately would lead to more bad eating. The cycle was vicious.

I have worked really hard to make healthy eating and working out a lifestyle for me. Like the picture says, "I'm not on a diet. I'm eating healthy." I am making sure that every aspect of my life reflects a healthy lifestyle. That is why when I hear the word CHEAT it has negative connotations. It insinuates that I'm doing something wrong. It makes me feel like I have to be sneaky. Afterall, when you cheat, you have to be sneaky or you'll get caught. I've lived too many years eating in secret and being sneaky when it comes to my food choices.

I don't want to think that I am cheating at all. If you are living a healthy and active life there is no reason to cheat. If you want ice cream, pizza, or a hot dog at the baseball game, go ahead. Just make sure it's not the whole tub of ice cream, the whole pizza, or a hotdog, nachos, and 4 beers at the game. Make treats part of your healthy lifestyle. Incorporate them into your program. Find healthier alternatives to your favorites.

As I've mentioned in previous posts the bulk of this battle is the mental aspect. In fact, I would say that 90% of my healthy lifestyle journey has been the mental aspect. I am finally getting to a good place in my healthy lifestyle journey. Don't get me wrong, I still have my bad days, but the good is definitely outweighing the bad. I am very postive in my outlooks and will let nothing get in my way of reaching my goals, that is why I don't want, the negatives surrounding the word CHEAT to enter back into my way of thinking.

I have decided that, on my journey, I will not be cheating. I will not have cheat days or cheat meals. I will not feel bad if I have a treat every once in awhile in moderation. I think that we need to take the word CHEAT out of our vocabulary when it comes to our healthy lifestyles. If you have to call it something why not call it a TREAT DAY or a TREAT MEAL. That is a much more positive spin on it and that is excatly what you are having, a treat, something not usually in your healthy lifestyle eating plan.

A while back I was on a family trip and I had someone constantly asking me, "Is that on your diet?" "Should you be eating that?" "Why are you eating that?" In their mind I was on a diet and I must have been cheating, but we were there for a wedding and I wanted a slice of cake. My slice was smaller than everyone else's there and I didn't even finish it. I enjoyed it and moved on. I had a treat. When the person asked me, "Is that on your diet?" I looked at them and said, "I'm not on a diet." They said, "Yes, you are" and I said, "No, I'm not I'm changing my life and wedding cake is part of life." They were very irritated, but the rest of the trip they didn't ask me another question about my eating. I was glad to have the food police off my back.

If cheat days and cheat meals are part of your lifestyle I'm ok with that. I just hope that I have made you look at it in a different light. Don't cheat yourself out of a healthy life by focusing on a DIET and what your next cheat will be. Focus on how you are feeling. Focus on your relationships. Focus on how much more you can do because you can finally move for once in your life. Focus on how you can have a treat, but not eat the whole thing. Focus on how you like fruits and veggies more than processed foods. Focus on how you finally walk a little taller and finally love the person you see in the mirror. Focus on how happy you are. All of these things are much better than any cheat day or any cheat meal you could ever have.

Relentless Forward Motion

This getting healthy journey is so hard. Over the last few weeks I've had a lot of ups and downs. The ups have definitely been more than the downs, but still having downs, which shows me I'm still not where I need to be mentally. There was a point a few weeks ago where I really let things get to me mentally. I mean, I was dwelling on my mistakes and ready to throw in the towel.

During this time I was talking to my friends Rich Kalasky and Carlos Hill. Rich has lost 160 pounds and started O2EA Coaching (Overweight to Endurance Athlete). They introduced me to a saying RELENTLESS FORWARD MOTION. I was dwelling too much on my mistakes and the past and getting really down and Rich kept telling me, "Melissa, you have to move with RELENTLESS FOWARD MOTION. No looking back, no looking at your mistakes, just keep looking forward and moving forward."

That has really hit home with me and I have adopted that as my new motto. Yes, I still have bad days. Yes, I still get down, but now I just pick myself up and keep moving forward. Some days it's a little slower than other days, but I am still moving forward and not letting little mistakes side track me for days or weeks.

When Rich first introduced me to this saying I looked up the word relentless in the dictionary. It is an adjective that means, "Something that does not relent. Unyielding, severe, strict, or harsh. Something that is Unrelenting." It's synonyms are rigid, unbending, inflexiblee and adamant. I then looked up the word relent and it means, " to soften in feeling, temper, or dtermination. To abandon or relinquish."

I really studied those two definitions and decided that no matter what happens in my life I really do want to be relentless in my journey. No matter the circumstances, no matter what people do or say, no matter what distractions are put in front of me I need to mmove with RELENTLESS FORWARD MOTION. I can't look back. I can't blame others or myself. I just need to do what I need to do.

While thinking about all of this I started to visual a horse with blinders on. When a horse has blinders on the only way it can see is forward. There is no way for the horse to see where it has just come from, it can not see to the sides too be distracted. The horse can only move forward. If the horse stumbles it just gets back up and keeps moving forward. Nothing will keep that horse from reaching his destination. People can try to tempt the horse with food, people behind the horse can call it, but with the help of the person on the horse, giving the horse direction, the horse knows to just move forward and keep moving forward to reach it's destination.



Today I am deciding once and for all to put on my blinders. No one is going to drag me into the past, no one is going to tempt me from the sidelines, and with the help of God, my personal trainer, and my counselor, I will keep heading forward with RELENTLESS FORWARD MOTION.

What are you dwelling on from your past that is keeping you from RELENTLESS FORWARD MOTION? If it is something big please see a counselor about it. I am in counseling and I am now learning that you cannot heal your future without healing your past. Does it hurt? Yes, it does. Is it worth it? Yes. I have had success with my weight loss before. I lost 106 pounds. I gained it all back and that is because I have never healed. Please heal the hurts of your past so you can have success in your future. You deserve it.

What are the distractions that keep pulling you from both sides? For me it is food, events, TV, and people. I have had to learn in the last few months of working with my personal trainer and counselor, that it is ok to be selfish during this time of getting healthy. I still care about people, but I care about myself more and getting healthy more and I cannot allow people or things to get in my way of my final destination.

Are you like me, when you fall down, you stay down? I have fallen down so many times and instead of picking myself up and brushing myself off, I stay down. I think to myself, "What's the point? I've screwed up already. I'm never going to be able to do it. I'm a failure." You get the point. As my Weight Watchers leader said to us once, "If you fell down a couple stairs, would you just say "Oh Well" and throw yourself down the rest of the staircase? No you wouldn't. You would pick yourself up, so you wouldn't get hurt anymore. How many times have you just given up and thrown yourself down the rest of the stairs? Aren't you tired of that? I know I am. I am tired of the pain.

Get your blinders on now and start moving with RELENTLESS FORWARD MOTION. I'm still at the beginning of my journey and still learning this concept, but am improving everyday and learning more and more everyday and it sure is freeing. I hope that someday you can find this freedom too. It's a lot of hard work, but well worth it.



I just want to thank Rich and Carlos for sticking by me the last couple of months when it's been tough. I want to thank Justin Killeen, my personal trainer, of Pioneer Valley Fitness. Justin, you are the best and I look forward to hitting all my goals with you. Thanks for being patient with me and realizing when I say I hate you, I really don't. James, thanks for being my couselor over the last couple of years. You have really helped me learn so much about myself and I'm excited to see where all this current hard work is going to lead.

I'm a big believer that weight loss is not just physical. It is mental, spiritual and physical and I am thankful to God for never letting go of me through all of this. He has brought all these wonderful people into my life to help me through all of this and I am grateful for each and every one of them. As my counselor always tells me God is the ultimate SOURCE and He gives us the RESOURCES we need to make it in life. So thanks Guys for being God's resources in my life.

Reflections from the last few days.

To say that I have been struggling for a little while would be an understatement. I have been struggling for sure for the past week if not longer. Last week’s weight loss shows that I have been struggling. Yes, I lost a pound, but it should have been more. Last Friday, I was just awful to my personal trainer, Justin and I have spent time recently being mad at my counselor.

Whoever said that 90% of a healthy lifestyle is mental and the other 10% was the physical change wasn’t kidding. My counselor, who I have been with for over 2 years now, thinks that I am finally strong enough to deal with some issues from my past that I have gotten good and shoving down and not talking about. I’ve liked not talking about them. I’ve liked forgetting about them and thinking that I was moving on, but now I see that the things that happened to me in my past have shaped me into who I am today as an adult.

My counselor said that if I don’t heal this old wounds I will never completely heal, which could be why I have never had full success with my weight loss journey. He knows how important it is for me to lose the weight and keep it off for good this time, so it is time to heal these old wounds. He is helping me talk about it. He is helping me face it. He is helping me remember things I have enjoyed forgetting about, which is why I get mad at him. Yes, I know when I get mad at Justin or my counselor, it is misdirected, but I get mad at them for making me face these demons.

Justin and I have had a rough few days. Not because of Justin, but all because of me. Back to Friday’s personal training session. I was AWFUL to him, just awful. I had an attitude, told him no, and took my sweet time getting to what he told me to do. I’ve lied to him since we started working out together and have even lowered the intensity on a machine when he wasn’t looking. I have hired him to help me take back my life and I am 27 pounds down since we started, so why do I get so mad at him? Why do I complain and give him an attitude? I do it not because I am truly mad at him, but mad at myself. Mad at myself for gaining back the weight, for letting myself go again, for giving in when I could have made different choices, and most importantly mad at myself for believing all the lies that I have told myself for years. What are those lies? Here are just a few:

-I don’t deserve to be happy.
-I need to take care of everyone else and make sure they are ok.
-I’ve failed once at this weight loss thing, what if I fail again?
-I’ll never be able to reach my goals
-I’m not pretty.
-I will lose friends when I lose weight.
-I’m leaving my kids too much to go workout.
-Why do I need to work on the past? I was fine with how things were when I shoved it down and didn’t talk about it.
-I’m comfortable being overweight and scared to be thin.
-I will be letting a lot of people down if I don’t do this.
-I can’t. . . . . (fill in the blank) lately it’s been “I can’t do the treadmill.” Justin literally holds me on there, so I won’t go off the back when I panic.
-I’m not good enough.
-I can’t do anything right.

This morning I got an email from Justin asking me to write something everyday. To reflect on what is going on in my head. I’ve been reflecting all day. I realized today that since I was young I have always strived to keep the peace. When people don’t get along I always try to make things right. For many years I said YES to everyone, no matter what. I try to make everyone happy and try to please everyone. I don’t ever want to disappoint anyone or let anyone down. I realized everything I do is for others. I put everyone above myself.

I sent Justin a text last night. I was telling him that I was not going to workout and told him, “Sorry.” He simply replied, “Apologize to yourself.” That little sentence really hit home with me. I was feeling bad for disappointing him, for letting him down, but realized today, that the only person I have been disappointing and letting down all these years is myself. I spend so much time making sure everyone else is happy, but inside I am dying, I am unhappy. Why do I repeatedly fall into the same traps?

I had an amazing personal trainer named Matt. He was my first personal trainer ever. I hired him in 2008. When things started getting hard, we butted heads, and I let him go because of “personality conflicts.” There were some valid points to that, but looking back now I can see that I was doing the same thing that I am doing now. Getting mad at Matt, lashing out at Matt, I remember Matt even saying that I was lying to him. Sound familiar?

I moved on to my next coach, Bob. Again, another amazing trainer. The one thing that Bob always said to me was, “Melissa, we really need to work on the emotional stuff with you cause when you have a high, you really have a high, and when you have a low, you really hit rock bottom and have a hard time getting out of it.” He would also get frustrated when I would just shut down when it got hard and I would just stop communicating. That came to mind last night and today when I was eating crappy food and wanting to just throw in the towel and say, “forget it.” Between Matt and Bob I was able to lose 106 pounds. It took two years, but I did it, but then my lows started happening, Crohn’s, a move, depression, and it all just got the better of me and now I am working with Justin.

I see some of the same patterns emerging with him. I wanted to call him last night and call it quits, tell him it is too hard, but I didn’t. Just like Matt and Bob wanted the best for me, so does Justin. I cannot keep living like this. When things get hard I want to run. I want to curl up in bed and not talk about anything, but I can’t keep doing that. As the good Doctor Phil would say to me, “How’s that workin’ for ya?” It’s not. Justin is sticking by me. Even if I wanted to run the other way I know he wouldn’t let me. My counselor knows I want to bolt, but he is just loving on me and cares and won’t let me go. Most importantly my heavenly Father is holding onto me too and has never given up on me either.

I am ready to break free from all that is holding me back. Am I scared? Heck yeah!! Will it hurt? Heck yeah!! Will it all be worth it in the end? Heck yeah!!!

Above I listed lies I have been telling myself. The only way I am going to get better is to live in the truth. My great counselor has told me to only worry about things that are true. If it’s not true than forget about it. All those lies above are untrue, so I need to forget about them and live in the truth. What is the truth?

-I deserve to be happy. Nothing I have ever done or will do will undo this truth.
-I do need to take care of others, but I need to take care of myself first. If I am not taking care of myself how can I even begin to take care of others.
-Yes, I have failed in my weight loss journey before, but there is no WHAT IF’s this time. I am going to do this because I am taking care of all the issues in my life and you know what? If I do fail again I will just pick myself up, dust myself off, and start over and there will be no shame in that.
-I will reach every goal that I make.
-I am beautiful inside and out.
-I need to work on the past because it will heal me completely, so I can move on. I was not fine when I shoved it down and am now seeing the effects of that. I will take care of the past, so I don’t have to live there.
-I am not comfortable being overweight. I can’t wait to be thin and I will look that fear in the face and do what I need to do anyway to reach my goals.
-There are so many people that love and support me. None of them will ever be let down or disappointed in me. They loved me before I lost weight and will love me after I lose weight and everywhere in between.
-I CAN, I refuse to let the I CAN’T’s back in my life. Remember, Phil. 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
-I’m good enough.
-If I can’t do it right the first time I will keep trying until I can do it right. I need to believe in myself.

So Justin, asked me to start reflecting on what’s going on inside my noggin’, so there you go. These are just some of the thouhts I've been having yesterday and today. I will keep writing, so I can sort all of these thought out and will keep posting them so you can come along on this crazy ride called life. Thanks for all your love and support while I sort this out. I couldn't do it without you all.

$100,000 Transformation Challenge Blog Post #3

I am at the end of a 1 1/2 day trip with my family. We went to Rhode Island. With a lot of planning ahead I was able to stay on track with my eating and working out. Here is the blogpost I wrote as part of the Transformation Challenge I am part of. Enjoy!!

Planning Ahead

Well, today was the end of Week 1 for me and I am sitting in a hotel in Rhode Island out with my family for a day and a half. I have to tell you I kind of freaked out thinking about going away for this weekend. I talked to my personal trainer. We worked out what I needed to do with working out and eating while I was gone. We would meet on Tuesday morning for my weigh-in and my workout, which we usually do on Mondays.


I checked ahead and the hotel had a pretty nice gym, pool, and hot tub. Good, I could keep up with my workouts, which I do twice a day. Then I made a list of everything I would need. There were 20 things on my Food and Working Out List. I brought all my own food, snacks, protein powder, and even my Ninja Blender. I also packed my own dumbells and medicine ball in case the gym didn't have those. I was not going to let anything slip through the cracks.


I am eating a pretty strict diet right now and I wanted nothing to get in the way of my success while gone. The whole purpose of our trip was to go to the American Hockey League All-Star game . We were two nights in a hockey stadium. I brought in bottle water, hummus, and baby carrots. I was not even tempted by the food around me. It was crazy to think that I wasn't tempted, but rather kind of sick watching what everyone else was eating and to think that used to be me.


I made sure to get up early yesterday and workout before heading to church. After church we headed to Rhode Island, went to the hockey game, and came back to the hotel. I was tired, but knew I had to get my second workout in, which I did. Woke up early this morning and got in my 2 hour workout before having fun with the family. Had a fun day, went to another hockey game, and came back and just finished working out for my 2nd workout today.


Tonight before the hockey game we went out to eat. This is the only time that I had stress with the plan. I had checked the restaraunt's online menu only to get there and be told that they had recently changed their menu and hadn't updated the online menu yet. Between my strict diet and my Crohn's Disease I really couldn't eat much on their menu. When I asked how their grilled chicken breast was prepared, they told me that it was grilled in butter and oil. I asked if I could get my plain and the chef said, "No, it won't taste good." I actually cried right then and there in the restaraunt and decided that I want to stay in for the next 11 weeks of the challenge.


I'm very proud of myself for all the planning ahead I did. It took a lot of thought and preparation, but because of that I have had an uneventful trip as far as my eating and working out. Without planning we can fall into the trap of saying to ourselves, "I'm on a trip with my family. We have to go out. I'm staying in a hotel, I can't bring my own food. It's only a day and a half, I can get back on track when I get home." You get the idea. So many times we talk ourselves out of doing the right thing because of what we think is an inconvience. When in actuality it didn't take me that much time to plan and execute my plan.


The result of all this planning is that I was able to have an enjoyable time with my family and stay on plan. I'm just glad that I only had to plan ahead for 1 1/2 days. My list was long and it took me awhile, so I can only imagine what it will be like when I'm gone a week in February.


Even if you are tired or don't feel like it, PLAN AHEAD and in the end you will be very happy you did. I know I am.


Even though I did well with my planning I am looking forward to getting home tomorrow. I am looking forward to getting back to my routines and working out with Justin. Tomorrow I weigh in and workout, so I will let you know how that goes.

$100,000Transformation Challenge Blog post #2

Here is the next blog post that I wrote for the Transformation challenge.

It is called:
WEEK 1 AGAIN.

So as you read in my last blog post, I am in the middle of week one of this contest AGAIN.

After all the emotional ups and downs about signing up for this contest I finally took the plunge and signed up on January 15th. I took my pictures that night. I sobbed looking at my before pictures, especially the one of my back. It was the first time ever taking before pictures in a sports bra and biking shorts. This is something that I NEVER will do again. There will NEVER be before pictures again because I will NEVER gain this weight back.

I dealt with it and posted them. As I posted them I cried some more, but then stopped and realized that this was the day I was going to take my life back. I had met with my personal trainer, Justin, on the 16th, made a plan and that started day one of the contest. 84 days to go.

I quit eating junk cold turkey, that day. I started upping my workouts more than I had ever had. My life depended on it. I was excited to see where I would be at the end of the 85 days, so I worked hard. I worked so hard there were workouts where I threw up a little. I worked so hard I couldn’t catch my breath, but I kept going.

During the contest I will be working out with Justin twice a week. We will be working together on Mondays and Fridays, touching base the rest of the week. We worked out on Friday, the 18th and then again on the 21st. We had been working out before this on Mondays, so we kept my weigh in days the same. Every Monday morning would be my official weigh-in for the contest.

I weigh in, first thing in the morning and let Justin know what the scale says when he arrives for our training session. So when Monday morning arrived I was very excited to see how much weight I had lost. I knew that I had lost. My pants were finally getting big. I just didn’t know how much I had lost. On January 14th, I had weighed in at 291.1 pounds. For the first time in a long time I couldn’t wait to step on that scale.

I went through the routine of taking EVERYTHING off, even my watch, socks, and hair rubber band cause you know those weight A LOT. I stepped on the scale, and there were the beautiful numbers of 283.3. I weighed my self 3 more times to make sure I was seeing it right. I had lost 7.8 pounds the first week of the contest. I had lost almost 8 pounds in 8 weeks. It was a very exciting time.

I headed downstairs to sign into Bodybuilding.com to put in my weight loss. I was on cloud nine. I started looking around on my page and realized something was wrong. I immediately called the 24 hour hotline and talked to someone. It looked like my registration hadn’t gone through after all. They told me to email tech support.

I let tech support know all my info and asked them to confirm my registration. I let them know if it had not gone through could they please set my start date back to January 15th. I heard back from them and the answer was, “We are so sorry there was a problem, we are going to ask you to reregister and we are so sorry you will have to resubmit your before pics as well and we are very sorry, but there is no way for us to reset the date back to the 15th. Your date will start the day you register.” In a matter of 45 minutes I went from the most excited I had been in a long time, to defeated and angry.

I lost it. I cried. I was yelling and I couldn’t even enjoy the moment knowing I had lost 7.8 pounds in one week. My poor son and husband, I was pacing back and forth crying and yelling. At one point I yelled, “What was the point of all my hard work if it didn’t even count for the contest.” My husband said, “For your health.” I didn’t want to hear that in that moment.

Justin was due to arrive any minute for our training session. I was excited to tell him about my weight loss, but dreading telling him that it didn’t count. How frustrating. At that point I had wished I had just lost 2-3 pounds like normal. I know that may seem crazy, but when you have a goal in mind and it’s just yanked out from under you, your response doesn’t always make sense.

Justin was very excited at my weight loss. We were both frustrated with the contest glitch, but he pointed out that I now knew I could do it. I pushed through and did things that I hadn’t done before. I reached levels with working out that I had never reached before. I was still mad and it showed in my workout. I wasn’t doing exactly what I needed and was being stubborn, but Justin went all Biggest Loser on me and got me to do what I needed to and got me back in the right mind set.

I registered AGAIN that evening and retook those evil before pics. I even cried a second time. That night I started getting really sick. I had the worst head cold and it affected my working out and my motivation, but I am happy to report that I met with Justin yesterday and am back at it in full force. I am not expecting a HUGE loss, but know that there will be one and my head is back in the game and I am ready to go full force for week two.

There is a reason for everything that happens. I still haven’t figured this one out, but am really proud of myself that I did what I did during my FIRST week one. I lost 7.8 pounds. That is awesome. That is more than some of the Biggest Loser contestants on the show. I was able to quit eating certain foods cold turkey, drastically change my workouts, and do everything that was asked of me. Even though it didn’t count towards the contest I can hold my head up and am very proud of what I accomplished that week.

I am almost done with my official WEEK 1. I know the loss won’t be as big, but I also overcame a lot this week. I was sick, very sick, and still worked out and did what I needed to do for the most part. I listened to my body and slept when I needed to and didn’t push myself to make myself sicker. These are all things that I would not have done in the past. I will look to these accomplishments as I move forward for the next 80 days, reaching my goals for this contest and beyond.

I’m excited and am proof that you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to, so get out there and do it. NO MORE EXCUSES!!!

$100,000 Transformation Challenge Blog Post #1

For those of you who follow my journey on facebook you know that I have joined a 12 week weight loss challenge. It is put on by Bodybuilding.com. There is a weight loss category and a muscle building category with each grand prize being $50,000.

Justin talked me into to signing up and we are in the middle of week one of the contest. It's been a rough week with me being sick, but I am persevering. I would love to win a prize in the contest, but I am just as happy knowing that I am taking back my life and am excited to see, with Justin's help, what I can accomplish in the next 11 1/2 weeks.

Part of the contest is being active in their forums and writing a blog, so as I post there I will repost here. Here is my first entry. I posted it yesterday.

A little bit about how I got to be over 300 pounds again.

At the end of October 2012, after stepping on the scale, I realized I had to do something.

From 2008-2010 I had worked really hard to lose 106 pounds. I went from 306 - 200 pounds. I was so excited to finally be in the 100's after so many years. Over 20 to be exact. Then the unexplained started happening. I was throwing up, sharp adominal pains, unexplained digestive problems. The fall of 2010 I was in and out of the hospital for 2 1/2 months and by the end of it all I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. There is no cure, but it is a managable disease.

The first thing I had to do was go on a huge dose of Prednisone to get the inflamation down. If any of you have ever been on that drug, you know, that you balloon up. I gained 40 pounds back of the 106 I had lost. I was told, not to eat anything I had gotten used to eating to be healthy.

For the longest time I couldn't eat anything over 2 grams of Fiber, I was told to only eat white bread, pasta, rice etc. Popcorn? Never again. I was told, just eat chips if you get the crunchies. I could only eat canned veggies and very few fruits. No more berries, peel your apples, nothing with seeds. At the beginning and for most of the first year all my fruits and veggies came out of a can and everything else was the color white. As you can tell this recipe was not one for healthy eating and my dreams of getting in the 100's was slowly fading.

In the midst of all this I had to move across the country. I moved from the Chicagoland area, where I had live for almost 30 years to Sunderland, Ma, a small town of about 3500. The midwest and the east coast are very different, so the first year I just stayed in the house and didn't do much. Along with not knowing anyone I was also nursing some injuries. Again, not a great recipe for healthy living. My weight continued to go up.

Back to the opening sentence of this blog post. At the end of October, I stepped on the scale at home and weighed 305 pounds. I was devastated that I had gained all my weight back except one little pound. I knew I had to do something. I decided then and there I would take a walk, so that is what I did. I started walking and decided to go a route I hadn't been before.

I started out and realized after about 5 minutes this was going to be hard, but I knew I needed to keep going. I got to a certain point, was pissed at myself for gaining all this weight back, and I was ready to quit, turn around, go home, and soothe my feelings with food. Then it was like someone smacked me up side the head and told me to keep going. I actually argued outloud with myself, but I lost and I picked out a point in the distance to walk to and I kept walking.

When I got to that spot I crossed the street, ready to walk home. I was walking along when I saw this brown building with an 8 1/2 x 11 sign on the outside that said, "PIONEER VALLEY FITNESS. PERSONAL TRAINING." I thought to myself, "Hmmmm, that's nice." Then I got smacked upside the head again and I argued with the invisble force at hand. I said, "I've had a personal trainer before. They make you cry. They make you face crap you don't want to. I don't want a personal trainer." The force at hand, which I now know was God, made me take a picture of that sign and made me email the personal trainer, Justin Killeen. When I hit send on that email, I was scared, very scared.

We started November 5th, 2012. That first meeting was hard. We talked about a lot and at the end I felt like we were a good match. The hardest part was not telling Justin everything it was admitting to myself that I had let myself go, that I had not dealt with the mental crap. Yes, I had lost 106 pounds the first time around, but what was wrong in my mind, that I turned to food once again for comfort. Justin is helping me with the physical and I have a counselor that is helping me with the spiritual and mental aspects of this and I do believe that it all goes hand in hand.

Sometime in late December/early January Justin sent out an email about the $100,000 Transformation Challenge, to all of his clients. I was a little bit intrigued, but to be honest I had joined contests before and I never finished. I always self-sabatoge myself. I had decided that I didn't want to join the contest. I had just come of some of the hardest years in my life, had gained back all my weight, and just moved. I had enough going on without adding a failed contest to the resume.

Justin kept asking me if I was going to do it. Deep down I know I wanted to, but I was scared. Up to this point I had lost 15 with Justin's help. I thought maybe if I joined this contest and messed up I would just gain the weight back. I really didn't know what to do. Justin and I talked long and hard. I shut down and don't talk when I'm stressed, so this was very hard for me. After listening to what he said and after some hard long thinking on my own, I signed up. I knew it was time to face my fears and finally finish something that I started.

So here I am, part of the $100,000 Transformation Challenge. It is the middle of week one for me AGAIN.

Yes, you read that right. I am in the middle of week one of the contest AGAIN. To find out what I mean about that, you will have to wait and read my next blog post.

Until then,

Have a great day and BE GREAT today.

SHUT UP

I have had a rough couple of weeks with my eating. Working out has been no problem, but for me I have to have a balance of eating and working out for me to keep losing weight. I was going along at a great pace and hit 15 pounds lost in 7 weeks. Then life happened and I let it get in my head and got derailed. I gained back 2 pounds.

One thing that I tend to do when I am going through a hard time is that I shut down. I don’t want to talk about it. Recently, this has shown up in not signing on to My Fitness Pal. If I don’t sign on and log my food I won’t have to face it or talk to Justin about it.

I have told Justin (my new personal trainer, for those of you just joining me on my journey), “Justin, I don’t want to talk about it when we meet on Monday. I just want to workout.” The first setback I had he said that was fine, but told me if it happened again he would make me talk about it. Well, this was the second setback since starting with him on November 5th. I told him, again, I didn’t want to talk about it. He was pretty nice about it, but that’s when I realized that’s not fair to Justin or to me.

We texted on Thursday night and we talked a little bit then. It’s easier for me when it’s not face to face. At the end of the text I told him, “We can talk tomorrow.” After texting I wrote him a letter to give to him the next day at our workout session. I have found that writing is my way to get things out and then I can either give the person the letter or I can read it to them. This is what I have done with my counselor and now it seems that it is what I will do with Justin until it gets easier to talk face to face.

While Justin and I talked on Friday. I realized that I am scared. He asked me point blank, “Don’t you want to lose weight?” I said, “Of course I do. I’m just scared.” He reassured me that I have nothing to be scared of and that I can do this. The logic part of my brain knows that this is true, but when I think of the big picture I get scared, so I really had to do some soul searching and had to ask myself, “Melissa, what are you scared of?”

Here are the things that popped in my head. I am scared that I won’t be able to get the weight off again. I know I did it before, but I said before that I would never allow myself to gain the weight back and I did, so what happens if I lose it again, will I gain it again. I don’t want to go through that whole process again.

I am scared of what life will be like once I am thin. My whole adult life I have been overweight. This is who I have been; this is pretty much how everyone knows and has known me. Will they still like me after I lose the weight? After I lost 106 the first time people that had never talked to me were talking to me. It made me think, “Why do they like me now? What was wrong with me before?” I’ve gotten pretty used to being this size, so the thought of changing that and being a new person scares me.

What about the people closest to me? Will they change with me? Will they resent the new me? Will they progress on the journey with me or will I in a sense leave them behind? I am scared that I will change. Maybe I will get a big head from all the success I will have. Will I become self-centered? Will I like the person I become?

I am scared of letting people down again. When Justin and I were texting I put, “I don’t want to fail again.” I feel like gaining back 100 pounds has not only let myself down, but let lots of people down. Part of being so open with my journey makes this aspect so hard. Again, logically I know that no one has been let down, but I feel like I have let people down. I am embarrassed when I see where I was and where I am now. I feel like I have let my family down, my kids. Again, this is me saying this not them, but it is how I am feeling.

These are all the thoughts that surround this current setback, but then my thoughts turn to God and his amazing grace. He loves me no matter what I do, no matter what my size, no matter how many times I fall and get back up. He is always there with open arms welcoming me back. He has told me, in the Bible that I do not have to have a spirit of fear.

Philippians 4:6 says, “Don’t worry about ANYTHING; instead, pray about EVERYTHING. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done.

1 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Hebrews 13:6 says, “So, we must boldly say: “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear! What can man do to me?

As I was trying to figure out why I was scared to lose weight, these verses came to mind. I have figured out that when I have fear or am anxious about things I am trying to do things on my own strength. That does not work. My theme verse for life has always been, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”-Philippians 4:13 On my own I will NEVER be able to do this and I need to remember that.

I have always said there are three things to focus on in getting healthy. I need to focus on the physical, the mental, and the spiritual. They do go hand in hand. If one of these is out of whack all three are. For me, I need to concentrate on the spiritual and mental aspect right now. That is why I have a counselor and a personal trainer. My counselor helps me with the spiritual and the mental and my personal trainer helps with the rest.

Recently I was looking over some old notes from my counseling sessions. I got a chuckle out of this quote from my counselor, but it is really what I need to do right now. He said, “Tell the negative voices in your head to SHUT UP.”

The only thing in the way of me and my goals are those voices in my head (please do not commit me). I need to cling to the verse Isaiah 43:18 and “forget the former things and not dwell on the past.” The negative voices in my head are always pointing out what I have done wrong and how I have failed and today I am choosing not to listen to those voices anymore. Today I tell those voices to SHUT UP ALREADY.

Today I move forward.

Healthy Living during the Holidays. It's possible.

This blog post was written on my plane ride home after visiting family in Colorado for Christmas. I reflect on living a healthy lifestyle even during the holidays. It's a long one, so you might want to grab a cup of joe, sit back, relax, and enjoy.


About a month ago I wrote about having no more excuses in my healthy journey. I had written that blog post because I had gained three pounds over Thanksgiving week. Since that set back I have worked hard and to date have lost 12 pounds in seven weeks. I have really been living my "NO EXCUSES" mantra.

After the whole Thanksgiving debacle I knew I had to get my head on straight for the Christmas holiday season. There would be lots of tests to my 'NO MORE EXCUSES" lifestyle. I had decided that my goals are bigger than any Christmas goodie I could ever eat.

I have worked out with Justin harder than ever this month. If we couldn't meet on our normal day, we would pick another day and meet at 6am. When we weren't meeting in person, he was giving me workouts. When I was not doing what I needed to do, he was practicing TOUGH love on me and it was all coming together just in time for me to travel out of town for Christmas.

I was really nervous about traveling so early in my healthy journey. I met with Justin twice the week before because of not being able to meet with him Christmas week. I found a gym in Colorado where I could workout, so I had Justin give me two workouts to do. I knew ahead of time that I would workout the day before and the day after Christmas. This was non-negotiable. I had really thought through everything ahead of time and I had a plan.

We arrived in Colorado late Sunday night. Early Monday morning I was at the gym doing the tough workout Justin gave me. After working out I headed to the grocery store to pick up some food to help keep me on my healthy journey. I was off to a great start.

Christmas Eve night we headed to my Dad and Step Mom's house. I called ahead to see what was on the menu. I did this for two reasons, to see if I could eat it because of my Crohn's, but also to see if the choices were good for my healthy eating journey.

I brought some food and also ate some from the HUGE buffet as well. I only ate one plateful and passed on dessert. My big splurge was a few pieces of yummy chocolate. It was a HUGE success. In the past my excuse would have been, "Hey, it's Christmas and I haven't been to this relative's house in a long time. I have to eat what's served." There were NO EXCUSES this time. I was doing it.

Christmas Day we had a HUGE dinner again. Ham, mashed potatoes, the workds. My Dad and step Mom brought all the leftovers from the night before. Again, I had one plateful of food, made modifications where I could, like no butter on my veggies, using my own salad dressing, and having cantaloupe for dessert. I concentrated on the conversation more than the food. It was amazing, because I have not missed the unhealthy foods.

There was one point on the trip where everyone was going to get fast food. I brought my own food instead. I did not miss that either.

The day after Christmas I was back at the gym bright and early to do another killer workout from Justin. There were things in this workout that I just KNEW I could NEVER be able to do, but pushed through and was able to do it all. It was a great feeling to know, without Justin standing over me, I could still complete a hard workout. Most of the time, it's totally mind over matter with me. Once I make up my mind that I can do it, I usually can. It might not be the first time, in fact it might take several tries, but I do it. I was very proud of myself. I accomplished so much in this workout, both physically and mentally. This was a huge turning point for me in my journey.

That night we went out to a restaurant that I went to as a child. It's called Casa Bonita. It's a fun Mexican themed place. They have shows and fun things to do. I ordered from their a la carte menu as opposed to the all you can eat menu. I had a taco salad and really focused on my family and showing my kids the fun memories I had from going there. The food was just a side note for me and that felt great.

I stayed up until almost 1am talking to my step mom and had decided that I would not workout the next morning, after all, I had worked out hard this week and had eaten right all week, so it was ok that I didn't workout, right? I went to bed, very tired, and ready to sleep in.

I woke up around 7:30am, which is sleeping in for me. People were still asleep, so I decided to get a workout in. I opted for a 45 minute walk outside instead of the gym. It was perfect weather and was very beautiful. I am so glad that I decided to do this instead of listening to all the excuses that I was telling myself the night before. It was a great walk. Here is the view I would have missed had I stayed in bed.

As I walked and reflected on my trip I couldn't help but smile. I was able to overcome so many obstacles and honestly, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.

I've said more than once on this blog that most of my issues are in my head. This trip was exactly what I needed mentally. I showed myself I can do this. I can celebrate a major holiday while living a healthy lifestyle. I now know that it's doable and I know this is the way I want to live the rest of my life.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Some fun stats from my trip. These stats are from Monday-Thursday.
Fruits and Veggies- 32 Servings
Water- 45 cups

Moral of this blog post: Plan ahead, stick to the plan, and know that YOU CAN DO IT.

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

Today marks three weeks since I started working out with Justin, my new personal trainer. The first two weeks with him were awesome. I lost 7 1/2 pounds. I was and am very happy with those results, but then things started going downhill.

Downhill because of me, not because of Justin. My history with getting healthy has always had a trend. This trend is that I cannot string together more than two weeks of doing well. I end up self-sabatoging myself and I don't know why. I was very excited to get a third week in a row of losing weight, but then the excuses started coming.

It's Thanksgiving week. We all know what happens at Thanksgiving we eat. I did well eating the day of Thanksgiving, but at night cleaning up and putting away all the desserts, I just couldn't help myself.

It's ok though I ate well during the day, so this dessert isn't so bad. As I was putting it my mouth I was telling myself I shouldn't be doing it, but I still did.

The next day the same thing. I had more pie and added whip cream. The next excuse I told myself is that (Sorry Guys) it was that time of the month this past week. You know you always crave salty and sweets. And today when I weighed myself and gained 3 pounds back I excused it with this fact. It's Thanksgiving, it's that time of the month. I already messed up, so I might as well eat it. All excuses. All sound so stupid now that I am writing about it, but these are all things that went through my head this week when making bad eating choices, trying to justify what I was doing.

Third day in a row having sweets, told myself it was because I was down about missing Eli, my friend's baby who died a month ago. Having Eli die has raised a lot of feelings within me regarding when my own sister, Blessing, died. I was the same age as Eli's big sister, Abby, 7. So when I was down this week, I did what has become habit for me, I turned to food and justified it by telling myself it was because of missing Eli. I am truly grieving him and what his wonderful parents are going through, but I need to find a healthy way to work my way through this, through all these excuses.

Since 2010 I have been doing a great job of making excuses. People have been helping me make excuses. "Melissa, you got diagnosed with Crohn's." "Don't forget you moved across the country." "You've had injuries this past year. Don't be so hard on yourself." Not only have these things happened to me, but I have added to those excuses. I have had a hard time making friends here, I have suffered from depression since moving here. When things get hard for me I close down, I don't want to talk about it and that is basically what I have done for the last 2 years. In 2008-2009 I lost over 100 pounds on the way to a healthier lifestyle. After my Crohn's diagnosis things went downhill and I let all these excuses become my inner dialog and I have gained back the 100 pounds I lost.

These are all legit things that have happened in my life, but they have become excuses for me not to do what I need to do.

Crohn's yes I got diagnosed. Yes, the meds made me gain about 40 pounds back at the beginning. Yes, I had to change my diet. Yes, it was hard, but it's been two years and I only have symptoms from time to time now and the meds I am on now do not cause me to gain weight anymore. No more reason for this to be an excuse in my journey.

Yes, I moved across the country. Yes, It's been hard. Yes, it's been a year and still feel alone, but I am starting to change that. Staying in and feeling sorry for myself is not going to happen anymore. I'm set in my volunteer work and enjoying getting out and doing new things.

My depression is gone for the most part. I got back in touch with my counselor that I worked with in Illinois and we are talking through the hard stuff. I no longer can use the move and depression as an excuse to be unhealthy.

My injuries are healed and to be honest I'm sure my weight and the weight gain over the last year didn't help. As I lose weight I know that these two areas, my knee and hip will continue to get stronger and healthier. I will no longer use my injuries as excuses to not be healthy.

I am very sad about Eli dying and it brings up memories of when I was 7 and lost my baby sister. I am choosing to not turn to food to deal with the grief. Eli fought every day of his 5 months to live his life to the fullest he could. My sister, Blessing, lived for 5 days. They both overcame odds to live as long as they could and lived their little lives to the fullest.

My mom died at the age of 53. My mom was the most amazing person you could ever meet. She died of cancer, but I watched her not take care of her health for years leading up to her death and I feel that contributed to her getting sick and passing on.

I no longer want to live like this. Each of these people that have passed on before me lived full lives and fought to stay alive and didn't win the battle. I am here on this earth, doing the things I know the Lord wants me to do, but not living to His full potential for me. If I keep making excuses like I've been doing for the last 2 years I could possibly die young like my mom. Here I am being given more days on this earth and the last couple years I haven't lived to my full potential and this past week used these excuses to justify my bad decisions.

My mom, my sister, and Eli are examples to me of how to live my life and today I am refocusing on what I need to do.

Today was my third meeting with Justin. It was so hard to tell him I gained 3 pounds back. It was hard to look him in the eye. It was hard to realize how my life is full of so many excuses. Justin was great. He didn't make me talk about anything. However, we made a deal that if it happens again I will talk to him. By the end of the workout I did open up a little, but later as I was thinking about it, I realized again, how I was using things as excuses for my bad choices. They were bad choices, that's all there is to it.

I will not dwell on the past. I will move forward, but this time I will look forward without excuses in my way. Today, during my workout, there were things Justin asked me to do, and he said to me, "Stop thinking about it and do it. You're getting in your own way." Boy, isn't that the truth. I just need to get out of my own way and do what I need to do.

My brother Jordan told me this week to "suck it up buttercup."
Jordan, that's what I'm going to do and get this done once and for all.

No more excuses.

I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength- Phil. 4:13

Lord, I give this journey to you. I cannot do it alone, so I give this all to you. Thank you for all that has gone on in my life to make me a better person. I know that you don't give me more than I can handle. Everything that has happened in the last 2 years I thank you for. Please help me use these experiences to become a better person. Please help me not to use these situations as excuses, but as building blocks to better myself. Help me to learn more about you through this journey and become a better person because of it all. In Jesus' name-AMEN!!

Some thoughts on my new journey

Tomorrow I start working out with my new personal trainer, Justin. I go into this workout with mixed emotions. I’m excited because I am ready to take my life back, but I am scared as all get out too. Justin and I have talked about this and he tells me there is no reason to be nervous or scared. Keith tells me that I don’t need to be nervous and assures me that I am going to be “amazing.”

I know that I don’t need to be nervous, but the thoughts of where I was and where I am now creep into my thinking. As I walked on the treadmill this week I realized how far I have let myself go. I realize that turning to food and not working out was not the way to go, but for some reason that is the way I went, but I need to focus on the fact that starting tomorrow morning I am changing, I am working my way back to where I was, but this time I want it to be a change that is for the rest of my life.
And that’s the problem. I start thinking about am I going to be able to do it once and for all this time? Last time I lost over 100 pounds I told myself I would NEVER EVER go back anywhere near 300 pounds again and yet here I am, starting weight, 305 pounds. I was sincere, but here I am. These are the thoughts that are running through my mind as I look to tomorrow for the start of my journey.

Again, this all goes back to my theme verse for this journey, Isaiah 43:18, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.” This is a great verse in theory. It’s a very true verse. We shouldn’t dwell on the past, but how do you really do this? All my thoughts are about where I was before, where I am now, thinking about how I used to do races, and now can barely walk for 30 minutes on a treadmill. Will I be able to do it like I did it before?

None of this matters. What I should be dwelling on is the fact that after a hard 2 years of a Crohn’s diagnosis, a major move, depression, injuries, and dealing with some hard situations with friends and family, I am taking my life back. Two weeks ago I emailed a personal trainer, I met with him for a consultation, and I started eating right again this past week. I need to focus on the fact that I am making HUGE strides in my walk with God and in working with my counselor. Things are really starting to come together for me, but I can’t seem to shake the past.

So what I am realizing this as I type this is that, day by day, I need to change my thinking. Seriously, the past is the past. There’s nothing I can do to change that. I made decisions that weren’t good, but now I’m making good ones. Focus on what I am doing and not what I’ve done in the past. Focus on the positive and not the negative.

Tomorrow I start a new chapter. I work out with Justin and make a plan. I am still really nervous, but am also excited. Excited to start changing my life once and for all. I looking forward to the future and not dwelling on the past. I can do this and I am so glad that you are here with me on this journey to encourage me and cheer me on. I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow if I can still move.

My first meeting with Justin

Well, today was my first consultation with personal trainer Justin of Pioneer Valley Fitness. He came to my house and we talked over my intake forms and then checked out my home gym to make sure working out at home was the best way to go.

He was very happy with everything and is very happy to train me at home. I'm so glad that we ran across the super deal we did to obtain this home gym. For those of you that don't know we were very fortunate to run across a great deal. For $500 we got a new treadmill that has Internet accessibility,touch screen and an Ipod attachment with speakers. A stand with dumbbells ranging from 3 pounds to 30 pounds, a weight bench, with attachments to do lat pull down, triceps, leg work, a bicep curl bar, the bar for bench pressing, weight plates, an exercise ball, and pads for the floor. We found the ad on Craig's List and showed up to the moving sale very early. The treadmill alone was well worth over $500.

After checking out everything I have Justin did some fitness assessments to see where I was at. I was reintroduced to my old friend the plank and the squat. From what Justin told me I did well considering I haven't worked out regularly this past year. I'm glad he thought I did well because other thoughts were running through my mind.

One of the things that Justin and I talked about was how hard this is for me to have let myself get back to where I was back in 2008 when I started my whole journey the first time.

I showed him the two articles that I was featured in and my "Yay Me" wall. This has been a sore spot for me lately. I know intellectually that these are still great accomplishments, but it has also been a major reminder that I have gained all this weight back too. It's bitter sweet.

Here's a picture of my "Yay Me" wall.

I'm trying to stay focused on my theme verse for this new journey I am on, Isaiah 43:18-"Forget the former things;do not dwell on the past." It is easy in theory, but so hard to put into practice.

This week I am just going to be doing treadmill. Justin and I will be working out together next week, so in the mean time I am just doing treadmill 20-30 minutes for at least 3 days a week. I decided to do it today. It was another rude awakening. I could barely walk and had to slow down the speed. It was hard and after 5 minutes I wanted to stop and this is someone who has done triathlons and run half marathons. It was very hard not to get down on myself.

I need to "not dwell on the past." I need to be proud of my accomplishments. Justin told me because I have had success before my body will bounce back faster and because I have lost over 100 pounds in the past he knows I have the drive to do it again.

I really like Justin. He was very encouraging when I was down on myself. He is excited to really get started training me and helping me with my eating. He has a great support system on his website. I have already been friended by two ladies. One has only been working with him for 5 months and has already lost 50 pounds. The other lady has lost 60. It will be great to be in touch with these ladies. He has his website set up where you can friend other members and chat like on Facebook. It will be a great accountability tool and great for encouragement especially since I haven't made many connections yet here since moving.

My closing thoughts at the end of the day is this:

-I am proud of what I have accomplished in my past. I am going to look at my "Yay Me" wall with pride and not disappointment.
-I made some great strides today with Justin and am looking forward to meeting next week.
-My eating went a lot better today. I'm looking forward to breaking bad habits. I saw today as a glimpse into that happening.
-No matter my size Jesus loves me just as I am and not how I should be.
-With the help of God, Justin, and my counselor I know that I am going to be successful.

Whatever you are going through please know that you can do it. I'm here for you.

Starting Weight: 305 pounds.

My Fresh Start

Back in 2008 I decided to get serious about getting healthy. I started my journey back to health weighing in at 306.2 pounds. Over the next two year I lost a total of 106 pounds.

One person I owe a lot of my success to is my coach, Bob Mitera of Kokua Multisports. We met working ourt at the Foglia YMCA and I knew we were a good match.

This is me and Bob a month after we started working together. We were doing a 5k.

Over the next couple of years Bob and I worked together towards my goals. He was my coach when I did my first olympic Distance triathlon. It was a rough day out there and he found me on the run and walked with me to encourage me. He then ran ahead so he could be there when I crossed the finish line.

He was there for me throughout my whole ordeal with figuring out my Crohn's diagnosis. We learned together my limitations and race nutrition. He was there for me and helped me train for my first half marathon, which I ran to raise money and awareness for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America. I hope that some day they can find a cure.

October, 2012 was my 2 year anniversary since my diagnosis . It's been a rough couple of years. I was on meds that caused me to gain some of my weight back.

In 2011, we moved from Illinois to Massachusetts. It has now been a year since the move. In that year I have suffered from depression, injuries, and have let old habits creep back into my life.

Off and on over this year Bob has been there for me. The reason I say off and on is due to back to back injuries. We would talk on the phone and he would send me workouts when I could work out.

Despite his effort to help me I just was not able to overcome the mental and physical obstacles that were blocking my way. Over the past two years I have gained back 100 pounds. I feel really ashamed about this and was turning to food to comfort me, which only made things worse.

As you can tell my blog has a new name. I am hitting the reset button and starting fresh in my new healthy journey. I have a theme verse for this fresh start. It is Isaiah 43:18, "Forget the former things;do not dwell on the past." Also, the Bible says that "Love keeps no record of wrongs." I am good at forgetting what others have done, but not for myself, so I have decided that I love myself and I need to not keep records of all the wrong things I have done in the past. Today is a new day and today is my fresh start. There is no looking back.

Part of my fresh start is getting a new coach here in Massachusetts. I will always be grateful for Coach Bob and everything I have learned from him. Bob, not only were you a great coach you are a great friend. I look forward to seeing you in the future at the finish line of Ironman Wisconsin.

Because I am basically where I was in 2008 I knew I needed the accountability of meeting in person weekly with a coach. It's never easy to say goodbye, but I am grateful for all I have learned and know it will be a great foundation for the next chapter in my fitness life.

A couple weeks ago I was taking a walk and saw a sign for personal training. It was on the door of what looked like a studio, so I decided to take down the information and see what it was about. I emailed to get more info and Justin responded. We have talked and both feel like we are a good match for each other. One thing that is cool is that Justin will either train you in studio or at home.

We have opted for in home training since i recently acquired a home gym. He will be coming on Monday, November 5th. We are going to talk, make a plan, look at the home gym, workout a little, and by the end of the session I will have a plan for moving forward. Justin is also a nutritionist, so look forward to working with him on an eating plan as well.

For those of you who know me, you are probably wondering what are my thoughts on what I want to accomplish? What races am I going to do? Do I have a goal weight? Is an Ironman still in my future.

The first and foremost thing I need to do is get this weight down, get injury free, and healthy. In my mind, and this is before sitting down with Justin, I want to take triathlon off the table for the time being. I will start with small races and slowly move my way back up. Do I still want to do an Ironman? Of course I do. I am still planning on doing Ironman Wisconsin. Do I have a year picked out? No. I will know when it's right. Do I have a goal weight? I don't have an exact number because I just want to be healthy. I used to set timeline goals and when the time would come and go and I hadn't reached my goal, I would beat myself up, so I will make goals, but I will probably not put a date with that goal. These are my thoughts as I head back into this.

I'm really excited to move forward and will be blogging again.

Here are a couple of pictures of my new coach off of his website. His name is Justin Killeen. His business is Pioneer Valley Fitness and I'm really looking forward to meeting with him on Monday and getting this party started.

Las Vegas Half Marathon Race Report

This is a long overdue race report. I wrote most of it on the plane ride home and finished the rest of it this week. The pictures you are seeing I did not take. I lost all the pics from my Vegas trip. Sometimes technology is a pain. I found these pics on the Internet. This is when technology is awesome. Enjoy the report.

Sunday night, December 4th, 2011, I ran, jogged, and walked the Las Vegas Rock-n-Roll half marathon. It was the first time ever that the Strip was shut down, at night, for a race. That really drew a crowd. Last year the race had about 22,000 athletes, this year about 44,000. I had never been in an event of this size.

The marathon started at 4pm and the half marathon at 5:30pm. My friend, Sue Hardy, came from Illinois to hang with me for the weekend and cheer me on. We headed down t the Mandalyn Bay Parking lot for the pre-race entertainment, which was Cheap Trick. After we hung out for awhile I headed to my corral.

I was in corral 39, second to last. The race started at 5:30 and I crossed the start line at about 6:12. While we were waiting they had The Blues Brothers singing and entertaining us. That was a fun way to pass the time. The energy heading out on the race was amazing. I was in my Team Challenge gear, so there was a lot of support from the crowd.



It was neat to be running by all the familiar sights of Vegas at night under the bright lights. My plan was to start out a little bit slower and then to pick up the pace later in the race. You never really know what's going to happen until race day. I did about a 17 minute mile for the first 3 miles. I was all ready to keep going at that pace when at mile 4 1/2 my hip had decided it wanted none of this. I had some problems with my hip Saturday morning, but had iced it, stretched on Saturday and all day leading up to the race.

I was still able to slog (slow jog) it to about mile 7ish (not sure exactly) and had to start walking more than running. My goal was to finish in 3:30. At 3:30 I was at approximately mile 9 1/2-10. I was very upset that I hadn't reached my goal, but I new I would finish. Quitting is not in my vocabulary.

During races I wear a jersey that says, "I may have Crohn's, but I refuse to let Crohn's have me." It's really encouraging when people respond to it and it's even cooler when God sends someone to encourage me right at the moment I need it most.

I was approximately at mile 8, on the dark, backstreets of Old Vegas (Where bums were cheering us on) when thought of me not finishing were starting to creep in. I was trying everything to be positive, but nothing was helping. Even though I knew I wouldn't quit the thoughts were there. All of the sudden I hear from behind, "You're awesome" and someone patted me on the back.

I burst into tears because at that moment I didn't feel awesome. I felt like someone who had let herself down. I felt like I had no business being out there. I felt defeated, but then this guy comes out of nowhere and was my cheerleader until we got back to the strip. He was with his friend who had diabetes and despit foot issues was walking the race. My cheerleader's name was Will and I will always remember him.



At this point I had about a 5k left to run (3.1 miles). I was telling my body to push and give it my all, but temps had dropped, it started raining, and my legs froze up even with running tights on. This was the biggest wall I had ever hit. My mind said go, but my body said no. I was really pissed at this point.

My mind went to the dark side at this point. there were very few spectators out, aid stations were being broken down and the bands were already gone and like I said, it had started raining and the wind had picked up.

When I looked into the distance I could see a Team Challenge coach running towards me. He had on Energizer Bunny ears. The Team Challenge coaches run up and down the course helping their athletes, but what's cool is they help all Team Challenge athletes. I had about 2 miles to go and welcomed the sight of a TC coach no matter who they were coaching.

It took me only a few seconds to realize who it was. It was my coach, Brad, from Teach Challenge Illinois Napa. He helped me finish in Napa and now was able to help me finish in Las Vegas. He walked with me for a mile and then headed out to make sure his other athletes had made it in. It was fun to catch up with him and keep my mind off of the pain I was in. Again, this was God sending someone along to help me when I needed it most. He is so Awesome. The picture below is of me with Coach Brad in Napa after the race.


At another point in the race, I have no idea when, a lady came up from behind and said, "You're doing great. Keep it up." She then handed me a bracelet and headed off. I put it on and read it later in the race. It said, "MBFC fit chicks show up to their lives. I have courage. I am strong. I got this." WOW!! Again, totally a God thing. Her encouragement came when I needed it and then when I read it later it was perfect timing.

So with a mile to go I ran and walked until I could see the finish line. Then I mustered up all I could and sprinted to the finish line passing about 10 people on the way in. I was not about to walk across the finish line. One thing that kept me going is I would get my medal when I finished. I fought hard for that medal.



I crossed the finish line and went straight to a medic because I wanted to go to the medical tent and get warmed up, ice my hip, and get something to eat. Before I went to the tent I asked her where my medal was, to which she replied, "They're out, but don't worry they are going to mail you one." I burst into tears and said, "I need my medal." She brought me a marathon medal and placed it around my neck. She said I could have it until I received the other one. I took it off my neck, thanks her, but told her I didn't thing it was fair to the people that actually completed the marathon if I wore it.

Sue joined me in the medical tent until I was able to get going again. We started the long walk back to our hotel, which I think was another mile/mile and a half. As we were walking back I was really upset that I didn't have my medal. Everyone that did the race was wearing them. Everyone was congratulating each other. People would look at me and not say anything, so a couple times I told people, "I finished they ran out of medals." haha. I was bummed I couldn't advertise my accomplishment, but knew it my heart what I had overcome to finish that race and that was enough for me. I would eventually get my medal.

Sue was kind enough to stand in line and get food for me. As she did that I kept hobbling back to our room. I ate and then soaked in the tub. My thoughts turned to my life, my health, and my race. I gave myself a reality check. I WILL NOT do another ace this overweight again. I'm proud I finished, don't get me wrong, but I am not proud of ho, over the last year and 2 months I had let myself go. I promised myself then and there that things would be different in 2012. I looked out the windo at the Vegas Strip and told it I would be back next year to kick it's butt and that is what I am going to do.

I've dealt with bad health, a big move, and most recently some depression, but not it is time to move forward.

I have a good friend named Andy Shetter. In the past when I've been complaining or stuck in a hard place. He told me to:



Andy, I'm ready to SUCK IT UP, do what I need to do, and hit my goals this year.

Stay Tuned, my friends.

UPDATE

Last week I received my 1/2 Marathon Medal in the mail. Isn't it beautiful. It even glows in the dark.