Thursday, March 12, 2009

rough personal training

I had a rough personal training session.
I have prided myself that since November I have never told my coach that I CAN'T do something. Tonight I did and I'm very frustrated at myself. It has gotten me down and questioning a lot about myself. Just when I think I'm getting somewhere I realize I'm not as far as I thought I was. My coach, Matt, was great. He helped me push through and do what I needed to do, but I was mentally not there and the negative stuff I was telling myself made it very hard. I'm ticked at myself. He said that I can do a whole lot more than I'm allowing myself to do. He's right and I don't know how to get over some mental hurdles that I face everyday.

The questions I am asking myself tonight:

Am I really cut out to be an Ironman?
Am I really ready to let it all go and do amazing things?
Why am I so scared to go to the next level?
I get ignored by thinner women. Do I want to become one of them?
Will I start ignoring others?
Will being thin change who I am?
Am I really going to be able to accomplish all that I want to?
Why am I doing all this? What's the point?
Why when things get hard do I tend to back off and not face them head on?
Why can my coach believe in me, but I cannot believe in myself?
Why can't I look myself in the mirror while I am personal training?
Why am I scared of succeeding? The alternative is dying young and that's a lot more scary.
Why did I tell my coach I can't, when I can?
Why do I feel like going and eating everything there is in this house?
Why do I have to deal with being fat when there are skinny people in the world that can eat all the crap they want and never gain any weight?
Why is losing weight so painful?
Why when I start succeeding at weight loss do I let all the mental games get ahold of me?
Why do I not believe I deserve this?
Why do I feel so down tonight?

That's how I'm feeling. Any comments would be great.

*******UPDATE********

I wrote the above post not long after getting home from personal training. I emailed two of my friends venting my frustrations and my questions. Megan and Jason, I just want to say thank you so much for your emails. You helped me to focus on where I have come from and all that I have accomplished. I tend to focus sometimes on the big picture too much and not focus on my current accomplishments. You both helped me realize (which I know, but just have a hard time believing) that I will do this and that I just need to adjust my thinking. Megan said in her email that if I keep thinking negative that is what will happen. The negative thoughts will come true. I do not want that to happen, so I will not be telling myself that I CAN'T do things. I know that I CAN and I just have to start telling myself that more and more. Jason mentioned that I just had a setback tonight and that I cannot let that ruin what I have going for me. I went to personal training, I worked hard, I wanted to quit, but worked through it and even when Matt said I could be done I pushed myself more and ran and still worked out for 30 additional minutes. Jason, pointed that all out to me that if I really thought I couldn't do it I wouldn't have stayed longer and worked out more. I can be an Ironman, I can lose 130 pounds, I can change my mental thoughts, I CAN DO THIS and want to thank you again Jason and Megan for helping me see the light. I really wanted to emotional eat tonight and I didn't. YAY!! I wanted to throw in the towel just hours ago, but I'm not. I feel much better. I know I will have to work through these mental issues, but now I feel positive about it and know that in the end everything will be ok and I will succeed. Good night everyone.

5 comments:

Megan said...

You ask a lot of important questions, and I know I have already said a lot in my email.

But one of the things I read - and you've said it before - was about skinny woman ignoring you and will you do that once you lose the weight.

First off, if woman are going to ignore you, it has nothing to do with them being skinny - it has to do with them being bitches. And no amount of self-grooming on their end will change that. You can perfect the outside, but if the insides are rotten, the WHOLE person is rotten. Plain and simple.

And that works in the reverse too - losing weight will not make you a bitch. Being skinny does not always equate bitchyness. If you are a good person now, you will be good when the weight comes off. Case in point? You've alreayd lost 30 pounds - do you feel you are nastier as a person now? As you continue to lose weight, do you find yourself ignoring other heavy people that are struggling? MY guess is "no." My guess is that you understand it, you empathysize, you "get it." My guess is the LAST thing you would do would be to ignore them.

At the core of it is the concept of personality - and personality doesn't change with weight, or plastic surgery or anything like that. Personality comes from one's psychological make-up. So when you do lose your goal weight, you will still be the same nice, personable, and inspirational person you are now.

Mommymeepa said...

Thanks Megan. Now that I read your comment I realize how silly my thought was on will I ignore others when I become skinny. Of course I won't. I've never ignored others now and will not stop just because I've lost the weight. Your comment made me realize how silly that seemed, but when I was frustrated and doubting myself that thought came to mind, but thanks to you and me rethinking it I know you are right and my personality won't change. Thanks again. You rock!!

run4change said...

You are welcome. And you will do this. I just hope that we are still in contact when you cross that finish line. It will be so wonderful.

rebecca hallin said...

I can relate to you have been writing about. i always wondered when I got fit what would it be like would I be the same person I was before? Will I view heavy people different? will my co-workers think I am a bitch now that I am in great shape and they aren't LOL. It has changed me in ways I did not expect, I believe so much more in myself! my self esteem is getting much better and it has helped me become so much stornger in other areas of my life. I still cannot believe that i will run my first marathon in about 60 days! This is all about a journey for me! and I am not going back! You can make it too! there will be good days and bad days but do not give up! You will succeed! I am working on my frist scrapbook and it is my transformation scrapbook it is pretty darn exciting. Keep up the great work I believe in YOU!

Siren said...

You're a wonderful, sweet, generous person and what you weigh can never change that.

I used to wonder the same thing, but I'm finding the opposite is true. The more weight I lose, the more I find myself empathizing with heavier women. I want desperately to help them understand they have the strength to get healthy too. I do find myself getting a little judgy for the ones who whine endlessly about being fat while inhaling junk food and refusing to change any of their habits, but I try to remind myself I was in a similar place a few years ago and they're just not ready to deal with their issues yet.