Friday, August 28, 2009

My Counselor Quit. . .

his job.

So last week I called my counselor on Monday. We talked on the phone for about an hour that day. We met on Wednesday for the first time and talked for about an hour and a half. I really felt comfortable with this guy. Before I left he gave me his phone number and his email address. He said if I needed ANYTHING to call or email him and he would get back to me promptly. I emailed him the day we met and heard back from him that night. I called him the next morning and then in the next few days emailed him. Nothing. I did not hear back from him.

Fast forward to yesterday. I call to confirm my appointment and I'm told that he will not be in. I told the lady on the phone I had an appointment with him. I told her I did not want to drive there if he was not going to be there. She called me back and told me to come. I drove 40 minutes and when I got there he was not there. Another gentleman greeted me and said he could meet with me. He had told me that my counselor had resigned very quickly and it had come as a total shock. I was not happy that the lady on the phone was not honest with me over the phone. I don't think I would have driven 40 minutes. I decided that I should have an open mind and meet with this guy. Um, yeah, didn't gel with him at all. My favorite line of our whole meeting was, "I don't mean to be mean, but sounds like you need to stop sucking your thumb and stop feeling sorry for yourself." Um, are you kidding me? Seriously, did you just say what I think you said?

My counselor is also a pastor. I decided to meet with someone who was of the same faith as me because I have had some questions recently about some aspects of my faith, so I thought not only do I need regular counseling, but also spiritual. My counselor was great at combining both. My counselor is very compassionate and kind in how he said things even if they were hard to hear. He was a good match for me. The pastor I met with yesterday, not such a good match. I'm really missing my counselor and I'm hoping this is just temporary. I'm hoping we can still meet at a coffee shop of something. I know that something drastic had to have happened in his life for him to resign, so I hope that everything is ok. I will be praying for him and for those of you who pray please pray for him and his family as well.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I have the best friend in the whole world

I just got off the phone with my best friend, Darlene.
This fall marks our 24th year of friendship.
We do everything together including getting healthy.
We are both on the same journey together and I could not do it without her.

It was 115am when I called her this morning. (Yes, I know I should have been asleep, but a 10 year old that was nervous about school woke me up cause he couldn't sleep, so I couldn't get back to sleep.) As you all know from a recent post I have been going through a lot of stuff and even started counseling. Within the last two days I have been hit from every side. Seriously, I'm afraid to say it, but could anything else come at me? I'm ducking as I type that . :D

Darlene listened, offered advice, but mainly listened. She didn't judge me, she actually understood some of it cause she's been there herself. She is a good friend who did not make me feel bad for how I was feeling. She knows what it means to be a good friend. She knows what it means to be a good sister. I've always told everyeone she's my sister from another mother. :D

I have come to a fork in the road of my life. Losing this weight has brought me there. One road loops back to the 306 pound doormat that I was and the other road leads to a new, free, life that already has so many options for me. A life where for once I am thinking about me and putting myself first. I will never take the road that loops back to that other person who I don't even know anymore.

It's so crazy, but I am the happiest I have ever been in my life even with having to deal with all the hard crap. The hard crap is showing me that it is time to take control of my life, time to do things for me, and in the process of dealing with it head on it will make me a stronger person. I love that.

I'm excited to see where the road leads, but scared at the same time. I'm thrilled that I have decided to go down that road even with all the bumps. Recently I wanted to just say, "forget everything." I wanted to loop back and just forget it because the mental aspect of this is so hard. My new coach (I can't wait to tell you all about him) told me, "weight loss is 90% mental and 10% physical." Man, he wasn't kidding. I am excited to be able to go down this road with Darlene and others by my side. I could never do it without the support.

Darlene, I love you. Thanks for everything.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

I'm so excited!!

I'm so excited. I was very close to reaching my goal of losing 50 pounds at weight watchers last week, so this week I set the goal of losing 1.4 pounds to hit 50 pounds lost. I"m excited to report that I lost double that, 2.8 bringing my grand total to 51.2 pounds lost. I started at 306 pounds and am now 255 even. This is the lightest I have been in 10 years and it feels great!! EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeee!!

Thanks for all your love and support.

Stay tuned!!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

A lot going on

There has been a lot going on in my life.

The good news is that I will probably hit 50 pounds lost this Saturday at Weight Watchers.

The bad news is that with significant weight loss comes all the mental stuff that you have to deal with.

I will be starting to see a counselor next week to help me sort out a lot of this. I was not going to write about it, but I feel that I have kept so much in for years and that is part of the reason that I got to be 306 pounds. I never want to gain this weight back. I want to be free of all the issues that have caused me to gain weight throughout my life. I never have talked about different things because I was ashamed or I thought some people might judge me. I know that it is so much easier to say we are fine when people ask us how we are doing and just go on our way. It's easier to just shove things down and not talk about it. I actually thought I was fine for years after my sister died, I wasn't. I thought for years that I was fine after my mom died, I wasn't. A lot of these things and more have come to the surface in recent weeks and I realize that I am not fine. I have spent years helping others, making sure everyone else was fine, shoving things down, and now, it is time for me to get the help I need and to a little selfish. It's time for me to get the help I need.

I'm sharing this with you because I want you to know that it's ok to tell people you are not ok. It is ok to reach out and get the help that you need. If that means a pastor, a friend, or a counsler, then do it. It's time for you and me to take care of ourselves. I feel so good that I will be finally be taking care of these things. I have had people judge me when I have tried to reach out and those types of people will be out there, but don't let them get to you. There have been a few people that have judged me or gossiped about me and I let those people side rail me from the help I've needed because I thought all people would be like that.

Even though I have opened up on here please don't pressure me to talk about things. It was hard enough to pick up the phone and call the counselor. It was hard enough to write this. I don't want to suddenly feel like I have to talk to everyone about it, but know that I'm thankful in advance for your support during this trying time. I could not do this without all the support of my friends and family. I love you all.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

Good Bye 260's

I love this picture. Seriously, you are going to the gym to WORKOUT, so you are taking the escalator? Just like at my gym all these people that fight for the closest parking spots and then see them inside running, like really running for a looong time on the treadmill, so you needed the close parking spot, why? Anyway, laughed when I saw this pic.

Today was weight watchers and I had a great weigh in. I lost 4 pounds, which puts me at 47 pounds lost, but the exciting news is that moves me down in the next bracket of weight. I was in the 260's and now I'm in the 250's. I'm so excited. I am hoping I can lose 3 pounds by next week, so I can be at 50 pounds lost. If I don't do it by next week I will definitely do it by August 15th.

This has been a very emotional day for me. I do not remember when the last time I was in in the 250's. It's exciting and just is going to show me again that I can do whatever I set my mind to. It's great!! I really turned a corner this week with all of this. I cannot put my finger on it, but it feels great and I cannot wait to keep going and see what is next. I'll keep you posted.