Thursday, October 08, 2009
There is no such thing as an off day unless you are willing to accept it-Coach Bob
I woke up today with another headache. It was the 4th day in a row.
I weighed myself this morning. It says I gained 2 pounds this week.
How the heck have I gained 2 pounds when I haven't really changed anything that I've done? I mean, shoot, I went to a Cubs game and had a Subway 6 inch, veggie chips, an apple, and water. I mean come on, gained 2 pounds? I've swam like a fish, biked like Lance, and ran like I did something wrong and gained 2 pounds? I was determined once I had the headache and saw the weight gain that today was going to be an off day for me. I kept putting off the gym. Kept putting off life and felt sorry for myself. I left Bob a message on facebook cause I knew if I left my coach a message saying I didn't want to get to the gym today that I would go cause I wouldn't want to tell him I skipped cause of some stupid crap. (I know the structure of that sentence is off, but you get the point.) He sent me a message back that simply said, "There is no such thing as an off day unless you are willing to accept it." I decided right then and there to get my butt in gear and that I was not going to accept it no matter how much of the morning I wasted. I got to the gym and did not get my whole work out in, but got my swim in and part of my bike in.
I can sit here and mope that I've had a headache for 4 days. I can sit here and mope that the scale says some stupid number. I can sit here and mope and have a pity party, but seriously, how is that going to help me reach my goals? It's not and that is where I need to draw the line. Ok, so I've had a headache, figure out why. I've seen a gain on the scale, figure out why. Learn form these things and move on. I'm losing weight, I'm working out more than ever before, so why do I let these things get to me? I don't know. It's a little of the old me creeping back in and I am here to tell her tonight to get out of here. You are not welcome here anymore. I dealt with you before and became over 300 pounds. You are not going to sabotage me anymore. I refuse to become the person I was and I will fight every day not to become her again. My day started off as an off day and I was willing to accept it, but thanks AGAIN, to Bob, he helped me see that I should not be ok with accepting an off day. Who was making this an off day? Nobody, but myself. I overcame it and turned my off day into a GREAT day!! I have learned from this and the next day I think a day is turning into an off day I will make it the best day ever.
On another note, I found a new counselor, so I start tomorrow at 2pm. I'm not sure what will happen when I get a job, but I found a new one and tomorrow is the day. I did not become 306 pounds by accident. It's not just cause I was eating. There were reasons I was eating, reasons I was not dealing with my emotions properly, reasons I was turning to food instead of help, and I am determined to figure those reasons out. I have never dealt with them. I have,since I was about 10 years old, shoved feelings down and always told everyone that I was ok. I'm not ok anymore. I'm the happiest I have been in a lot of ways, but to continue being happy I need to figure out why I became overweight in the first place. I have figured out that I have not dealt with my mom's death, have not grieved her passing, and miss her a lot.
I gained most of my weight after she died. I am in a grief counseling class with about 5 other people and 2 teachers. We are working through a book and video series. I've only gone 3 times. There are about 10 more classes, so we will see. It's been hard to go and reopen the wounds that were so deeply hurt when she died. I have told everyone that I have been ok all these years, the wounds healed, but not the right way, so as a good friend of mine named Will told me, when I didn't want to go to class, "Melissa, You have to reopen the wounds. They never healed correctly. It will hurt to reopen them. It will hurt to clean them out, but then they will heal properly and there will not be anymore pain." Right now I am at the hard part of having them ripped open again. I don't like the feelings that are coming up, but know that this is necessary in my healing process and necessary for my weight loss journey to be successful this time. Will, thank you so much for those words. You are a good friend.
Posted by Melissa