Monday, March 29, 2010

Time to hit the reset button.

So I haven't blogged in awhile as you can tell. That's because things are not as I have wanted them to be. I have come to a standstill with my weight loss. All you wonderful people that have encouraged me by saying I've hit a plateau, I appreciate the thoughts, but really I haven't. I wish. Also, those of you saying that I'm building muscle and that's why I haven't lost, thanks. I appreciate the sentiments, but really it's just because I have not been eating like I should. That's it, end of discussion. You don't eat what you are supposed to WHAM, nothing happens.

Now, I must say I am very proud of myself for several reasons. The first being, I would have quit weight watchers at this point in my previous life and I haven't this time. I keep going. I have great friends in my 815 meeting. They are more than friends now, they are my family. I have a wonderful friend named, Melissa B, (not me). She just reached her WW goal a couple of weeks ago. I have really loved getting to know her. (She is pictured below on the left, with our other WW friend Kim, on the day she hit her goal). There is something that she has said that has really stuck with me. She has said this more than once, but it really stuck with me two weeks ago when she said it at the meeting where she hit her goal. She said that she thinks of every Saturday as a time to hit the RESET button. She doesn't look back, just hits RESET, and is ready for her new week. That particular meeting when she said this, I had come in late (because I didn't want to be there) and decided not to weigh in (because I didn't want to deal with the numbers on the scale), but I am glad I did because what she said is exactly what I needed to hear. I decided right then and there to hit my RESET button and not look back.

I would love to say I lost weight the next week, but I didn't and when I showed up this past Saturday I knew I had to weigh in no matter what the number was. Anyway, my coach really didn't give me a choice. He told me to weigh in and text him my weight. UGH. I didn't want to, but I had already hit the reset button and knew what was done was done and just looked forward to what I would do from now on. My weigh in was not pretty. In the two weeks I had gained 3 pounds, but I faced it, I went to my meeting, texted my coach, and hit the RESET button.

After texting my coach, I got this text from him. It really meant a lot to me (I am putting it in all caps not because he yelled at me, but so it stands out) He said: YOU NEED TO BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN BE UNDER 200 POUNDS BEFORE YOU GET THERE. DON'T SABOTAGE YOURSELF. EVERYONE WILL LOVE YOU STILL. EVERYONE WILL LOVE YOU MORE! BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT FIRST. Wow, this hit so many things on the head. I have been trying to figure out, after hitting another milestone in my weight loss, why I sabotage myself? I think he hit it on the head. I think that I am afraid that people will treat me differently, and that my world will change in ways I'm not sure I am ready for. I want to be loved for who I am and not because I'm thinner. This text was so encouraging to me. It took him a few seconds to type, but really changed my thinking. It was time to hit the RESET button in my brain.

I am also proud of myself because despite the not so great eating, despite sabotaging myself, I kept working out. I kept swimming distances I didn't think I would ever swim, I ran miles that I never thought I could run, I lifted weights, and biked, more than I thought I ever could. I never stopped working out. I pushed myself on numerous occasions and am seeing the benefits of my hard work. I may not be losing the weight, but I am able to run longer and harder. I am able to swim and do flip turns, I am able to breathe through anxiety that I had in the pool recently, which would have made me get out right away in the past. I am a new athlete and am changing every day.

On March 21st, I ran in the Shamrock Shuffle. It was 4.97 miles. I had just come off a not so great eating week and really didn't know what to expect. I was not sure I could make their time cut off, but I just went in and did my best. I smashed all times I had in the past. I had never been able to break a 15 minute mile. My first mile I ran in 14:32. I needed to finish the race in 1:15 minutes, I did it in 1:13. When I saw the mile 4 marker sign. I teared up as I had never done more than a 5k up to that point. I knew at this point I was different on so many levels. Why was I sabotaging myself? I had no idea. If I could do this race, I could do anything. Crossing that finish line was monumental in my journey.

On March 27, this past Saturday, I met with my coach for a run workout. I was really nervous about this. I was driving to meet him at the park and was driving up and down hills and said to myself, "Oh crap, I know what's coming." HAHA I was right, but those first hills weren't even the beginning. He took me to this hill that I have driven by hundreds of times and each time I drive by it I think, "Thank God I don't have to run up that hill." Guess what? I can't say that anymore. He had me run up it, it was more of a very slow jog/walk/crawl/gasping for my last breath, kind of run, but I did it and I did it 4 times and this was after warming up, and running a mile. This hill is HUGE.

We parked at the top, walked down the hill, while I got a pep talk, and then I had to run up it. Man, it was killer. It really becomes mind over matter, and I made up my mind that this hill was not going to beat me, I was going to beat it, and I did, 4 times. We got back into the car, drove back to the park, then coach had me do sprint work, OMGosh, I thought I was going to puke, die, and then puke again, but I didn't. I did it. Nothing fell off of me, I didn't puke, I didn't die. I became a new athlete that day. That day I hit the RESET button on my working out mentality. I now know that I can push myself, and push myself hard.

After that workout I went to Weight Watchers. This is the meeting that I spoke of before. I had gained three pounds. You know what though I hit the RESET button. I RESET my thinking after getting that great text from my coach. I RESET my thinking on my food after seeing a 3 pound gain. I RESET my life that day. Saturday, March 27th, was the first day of the rest of my life and I am happy to say I am off to a great start. Thank you Melissa B, for talking about the RESET button. I am so glad you did and so glad that I have RESET my thinking, eating, and my life and if I have a bad week, I can just hit the RESET button again and start over without looking back.


fitncrafty said...

You know you can do this! I have hit the reset button AND the rewind button!
I was watching a weight loss show the other day. Her counselor told the women to change 5 things about her life that she is comfortable with, and challenge herself. She gave up diet soda (for a juicer, vegetables not fruit) she hung mirrors all over her house so she could see her hips and thighs everywhere she went at home.. things like that. I have been thinking of that for myself what can I change? How about you.. is there something(or a few things) you can change?

Melissa Brown said...

You are so fabulous---this blog entry means so much to me! You are doing so fantastic and you should truly be so proud of yourself for how far you have come----You push me to push myself further when it comes to running---it is because of YOU talking about 5Ks at the meetings that I started to think that maybe, possibly, I could "try" doing that---and now I am signed up for the one in April! Thanks again, this was wonderful. Looking forward to hitting reset with you on Saturday!!!
:) Melissa "B"

MJ Volkers said...

You make me think a lot when you talk about wanting people to love you for you and not because of any size you are. I think we all desire to be loved just for who we are. I think though, of how I've only actually met you in person a few times yet I love reading your blog and your fb updates. Your perserverence, honesty, drive, faith, determination, transparency, and most of all attitude are amazing and I often think that you are the type of person I need to surround myself with. In many ways, your journey is about wieght and fitness, but it is really about so much more than that. I hope you never let your weight define you whether you are 80 lbs or 800 lbs because you have been working on the whole package and that is a beautiful rarity! You, Melissa, were fearfully and wonderfully made!