Tuesday, September 07, 2010

This is gonna get really ugly!!

I wrote this blog post on my Massachusetts trip, but never posted it because of getting sick and ending up in the hospital, so this was written around August 19th. Here it goes:

Some people have noticed that I haven't blogged for almost a month. Others have commented that my facebook statuses aren't what they used to be. Some people in my life have told me that they know I would eventually crash and burn, that I would hit a wall. It was as if they wanted me to. That if I crashed and burned it would somehow make them feel better about themselves, but this post is not about the naysayers in my life. This post is a post about me and where I've been for the last month, what's been going on in this noggin' of mine, and where I see myself going from this day forward. I've been told my readers love how honest I am with the good, the bad, and the ugly on my journey. Well, get ready cause this is gonna get real ugly.

July 11th, 2010 is where my downward spiral started. My first, Olympic Distance triathlon was that day. You can read my race report in the previous entry. I went into the race sick and just coming off vacation and it was hot out. As you can read in my report I overcame everything and finished that race. I had the best support crew anyone could have, my friends, family, and coach greeted me at the finish line. I learned a lot about myself out there. I am very proud of everything I did out there that day and it will be something I will never forget.

However, once I got home and the cheering stopped, I had no support crew, and I had time to think, things got bad mentally and to top it off I was diagnosed with sever bronchitis and by doctor's orders I was not allowed to work out for 2 weeks. When I get down and stressed what do I do? I hit the gym and work through it. This time I couldn't and I let it get to me big time. I let my negative thoughts take over.

I decided I wasn't going to do anymore triathlons for this season. I didn't like how I performed at the one in July, so decided that was it. My wonderful coach has told me multiple times that I shouldn't base anything on that race because I was sick, but mentally it did me in. Instead of focusing on how much I had accomplished that day or how much I had accomplished so far on my journey. My mind quickly turned to the dark side. I'm talking Darth Vadar Dark.

My thoughts turned back to my fat girl thoughts. Instead of focusing on the 90+ pounds I have lost and kept off I was and still am a little (since I'm being honest here) focused on how fat I am, how fat I was race day, how much I hate my flabby arms and my huge thighs. I actually started questioning whether or not I should even follow my dream of becoming an Ironman and racing in Kona someday.

These were my thoughts during my two weeks off from working out. I finally got the ok to workout and the same week got news that would change my life drastically (I will let you know what that news is in due time). It was more than I could handle mentally. I retreated into my turtle shell.

I started ignoring and avoiding the very people that are my biggest supporters. My coach, didn't call or email him, quit going to Weight Watchers for a couple weeks (Don't worry I am going this week), barely went to the gym, wasn't blogging or really facebooking. The people I was talking to I really wasn't telling what was really going on. I slowly started turning to food again and was putting some weight back on. I had given up. I was shutting down. I didn't know climb out of the pit I had let myself fall into. I had lost sight of my goals. I had lost my motivation. I needed and still need help.

One person that knew I was having a hard time was my chiropractor, Dr. Kevin O'hara. After a couple weeks of avoiding him I finally went. He looked me in th eye and asked me what was going on. I told him what I was going through, everyone I was avoiding, and why I was avoiding them. I told him I was depressed, not eating right, not working out, and gaing some weight back.

There was no way he was going to put up with this. He's not only my awesome chiropractor, he's also my friend, and one of my biggest cheerleaders. He did a little thing called tough love on me. Dr. Kevin told me he wouldn't let me mess everything I've worked so hard for. He told me to get back to WW, contact my coach, and start working out again.

He really made me think about what road I wanted to go down. The road that continues to my better health or the road back to the unfit, fat me. He said if I didn't get a grip soon or as my friend Andy says, "Suck it up buttercup" that I would end up where I started. That scared me really bad. At this point I had already gained about 6 pounds back (which currently I have lost 5 of. Yay me!) and I had slipped into old, very old eating habits. I knew Dr. Kevin was right. I was already sliding down that slippery slope to the old me and it was going to take all I had to climb back up the slope.

I called my best friend, Dar, and told her everything. I emailed my coach and talked to him. That was very hard because I felt like such a failure. He told me what I needed to hear and challenged all the excuses I had let creep back into my vocabulary. I called my WW leader and told him what was going on and that I had been avoiding meetings. The last time I avoided a few meetings I ended up being gone a long time and gaining all my weight back, so I told him to hold me accountable and make sure I came back to our meetings. He promised me to help me get back. Since our talk I went to a WW meeting. It was in Massachusetts, while out of town, but it was a meeting and I'm glad I went.

These are all things that I needed to do. I feel so much better. Writing this blog post has been therapeutic. I have put myself out there. I have been honest. I am back. I am starting to get back to where I need to be. Please ask me how I am doing, eating, working out, and please help hold me accountable. I never want to go back to where I was and to be honest I got very close. I'm so glad for the love and support I have from so many. Please keep it coming.

So like I said above this was written around August 19, during my Massachusetts trip. I got very sick, came home and ended up in the hospital getting my gall bladder out. I am now recovering, but keeping my spirits up and not allowing myself to go where I was for the last month. Like I said before I refuse to go back to where I was. I am back to losing weight, thinking positive, and will be able to work out in a few weeks. Life is good.


Darlene said...

Why do you keep writing MY feelings and deepest, darkest secrets in your blogs? You are supposed to be writing about yours!

I am right here with you. 2 drowning victims, wading in the waters trying to keep their heads above water. We are going to get thru this together and we'll be so much better off once we do.

I love you. Suck it up buttercup and then remind me to do the same.


Melissa said...

Thanks Dar. We are going to make it. I know we are. Love you so much!!

ShesAlwaysWrite said...

I felt the same thing from some people when I was doing my best - it was like they couldn't wait for me to fail so they could feel better. They're nice to me again now that I'm in a bad place where I'm stuck and regaining.

I never have and never will doubt your ability to pull through anything and come out the other side smiling. This bad patch was just rougher than anything anybody could ever predict.

Angie said...

I love the brutal honesty. And you definately have the gift for gab! It's nice to know that someone else besides me just comes out with it. You give details, and I enjoy reading those. Thumbs up!

Team Brazo said...

To me it is just normal ups and downs of training - some days/weeks/months go great and others it is hard to get out there. Even though it sucks sometimes, I know it is just in my blood now and I'll be back. I think the key is to keep an even keel and just move forward - no huge highs and no huge lows - just a new lifestyle that you are living. Miss your goal - just move it forward and complete it when your ready.

Like Vince Lombardi said - "Act like you've been there before" (the good and the bad).

Just my 2 cents(at the most)...

Toni said...

Hey, we all have hiccups along the way. It's a long journey and you can't expect a perfect ride. Be nice to yourself and you'll come out the other side much stronger for it. Keep it up and keep smiling!!!

Holly B said...

You CAN do this!!! I'm right there with you - I too am working towards a 1/2 Ironman in 2011 and the Full deal in 2012!! I've got a good 50lbs to go - it's been a slow process and I'm trying my hardest not to get down on myself when I run for what feels like forever and the scale dosen't move an inch. :)

I had my mental downfall after .... a Super Sprint this year. I pushed myself so hard that I somehow finished 2nd - in the Athena Division!!! Wow! Who would have ever guessed that! Anywhoo - the run was only 1.5 miles... should have been a breeze right? But no - I struggled on that little run and started the whole fat girl talk, downing myself, doubting myself, wanting to give up, "why am I donig this?", "nobody thinks you can really get to the Ironman, what makes you think you can do it if you can't even run this mile and a half."

Seriously - I was really happy to get my first piece of hardware... but that little tiny race took me on a 2 week downward spiral. Made me second guess myself and doubt my goals big time.

My husband encouraged me to get to my last race and do the best I could do. It was tough, but I did get a fire lit under me once again. My last race was a race that the year previous I was 2nd to last! This year - I knocked 27 mins off... 27mins!!!

I think this journey of yours and mine are similar - I love that you speak from the heart and get it out there. You are a tough lady I can tell. I wish you all the success in the world and I'm so happy to have found your blog. Keep your head up!!! You CAN do this!!!

I watched the bikers pass my house today for the Ironman 2010 for hours and hours. I saw the first guy go through... and made sure to cheer on all the bigger girls/guys in the last couple hours too. They were all on pace to finish in time. Most looked good, some pretty tired, many with smiles and small waves. It's hard not to watch without tearing up.


PS - I have started a blog too... before I found yours... feel free to read it.

Eric said...

Keep moving forward, just like in a tough race. I did my first Olympic this year and it kicked my ass. Very hilly bike, biggest blood blister of my life on my heel. Considered many times being done after the bike, but I racked it and hammered out the run, glad I did. Pain is temporary, quitting lasts forever. I was at the Ironman Madison over the weekend, wow what an event. Decided I wanted to be a 2012 Ironman as well even though I have trouble wrapping my head around the distance. So keep moving forward and quitting lasts forever.

Melissa said...

Eric, email me sometime mommymeepa@aol.com would love to keep in touch as we journey to IMWI 2012.