SHUT UP

I have had a rough couple of weeks with my eating. Working out has been no problem, but for me I have to have a balance of eating and working out for me to keep losing weight. I was going along at a great pace and hit 15 pounds lost in 7 weeks. Then life happened and I let it get in my head and got derailed. I gained back 2 pounds.

One thing that I tend to do when I am going through a hard time is that I shut down. I don’t want to talk about it. Recently, this has shown up in not signing on to My Fitness Pal. If I don’t sign on and log my food I won’t have to face it or talk to Justin about it.

I have told Justin (my new personal trainer, for those of you just joining me on my journey), “Justin, I don’t want to talk about it when we meet on Monday. I just want to workout.” The first setback I had he said that was fine, but told me if it happened again he would make me talk about it. Well, this was the second setback since starting with him on November 5th. I told him, again, I didn’t want to talk about it. He was pretty nice about it, but that’s when I realized that’s not fair to Justin or to me.

We texted on Thursday night and we talked a little bit then. It’s easier for me when it’s not face to face. At the end of the text I told him, “We can talk tomorrow.” After texting I wrote him a letter to give to him the next day at our workout session. I have found that writing is my way to get things out and then I can either give the person the letter or I can read it to them. This is what I have done with my counselor and now it seems that it is what I will do with Justin until it gets easier to talk face to face.

While Justin and I talked on Friday. I realized that I am scared. He asked me point blank, “Don’t you want to lose weight?” I said, “Of course I do. I’m just scared.” He reassured me that I have nothing to be scared of and that I can do this. The logic part of my brain knows that this is true, but when I think of the big picture I get scared, so I really had to do some soul searching and had to ask myself, “Melissa, what are you scared of?”

Here are the things that popped in my head. I am scared that I won’t be able to get the weight off again. I know I did it before, but I said before that I would never allow myself to gain the weight back and I did, so what happens if I lose it again, will I gain it again. I don’t want to go through that whole process again.

I am scared of what life will be like once I am thin. My whole adult life I have been overweight. This is who I have been; this is pretty much how everyone knows and has known me. Will they still like me after I lose the weight? After I lost 106 the first time people that had never talked to me were talking to me. It made me think, “Why do they like me now? What was wrong with me before?” I’ve gotten pretty used to being this size, so the thought of changing that and being a new person scares me.

What about the people closest to me? Will they change with me? Will they resent the new me? Will they progress on the journey with me or will I in a sense leave them behind? I am scared that I will change. Maybe I will get a big head from all the success I will have. Will I become self-centered? Will I like the person I become?

I am scared of letting people down again. When Justin and I were texting I put, “I don’t want to fail again.” I feel like gaining back 100 pounds has not only let myself down, but let lots of people down. Part of being so open with my journey makes this aspect so hard. Again, logically I know that no one has been let down, but I feel like I have let people down. I am embarrassed when I see where I was and where I am now. I feel like I have let my family down, my kids. Again, this is me saying this not them, but it is how I am feeling.

These are all the thoughts that surround this current setback, but then my thoughts turn to God and his amazing grace. He loves me no matter what I do, no matter what my size, no matter how many times I fall and get back up. He is always there with open arms welcoming me back. He has told me, in the Bible that I do not have to have a spirit of fear.

Philippians 4:6 says, “Don’t worry about ANYTHING; instead, pray about EVERYTHING. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done.

1 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Hebrews 13:6 says, “So, we must boldly say: “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear! What can man do to me?

As I was trying to figure out why I was scared to lose weight, these verses came to mind. I have figured out that when I have fear or am anxious about things I am trying to do things on my own strength. That does not work. My theme verse for life has always been, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”-Philippians 4:13 On my own I will NEVER be able to do this and I need to remember that.

I have always said there are three things to focus on in getting healthy. I need to focus on the physical, the mental, and the spiritual. They do go hand in hand. If one of these is out of whack all three are. For me, I need to concentrate on the spiritual and mental aspect right now. That is why I have a counselor and a personal trainer. My counselor helps me with the spiritual and the mental and my personal trainer helps with the rest.

Recently I was looking over some old notes from my counseling sessions. I got a chuckle out of this quote from my counselor, but it is really what I need to do right now. He said, “Tell the negative voices in your head to SHUT UP.”

The only thing in the way of me and my goals are those voices in my head (please do not commit me). I need to cling to the verse Isaiah 43:18 and “forget the former things and not dwell on the past.” The negative voices in my head are always pointing out what I have done wrong and how I have failed and today I am choosing not to listen to those voices anymore. Today I tell those voices to SHUT UP ALREADY.

Today I move forward.