Has it been the year I wanted? Not exactly, but it is the year that I went through and learned so much from.
First of all, I never thought I was a person with control issues, but I can tell you that is something I have learned about myself working out with Justin. At the beginning I would fight him at every turn. I would turn the treadmill down, tell him "I can't" and even tell him "No." I wanted to be in control of the machines, how many reps I did, etc. If I couldn't be in control there were times that I panicked. So much so, there was even a time that Justin had to physically hold me on the treadmill while I freaked out and finished what he asked of me. When I did finish I felt such a sense of accomplishment.
I have learned more than ever that I turn to food for comfort. I mean, this is something that I have always known, but just how much really came to light this year. There were times this year, and I am not proud of this at all, where I lied to Justin about what I ate and even lied to him about my weigh ins. I did this because I was turning to food during tough times and then embarrassed about having to tell him that I had messed up AGAIN. What was only supposed to be one lie ended up snowballing and everything caught up to me.
I fessed up. That was one of the hardest things that I had to ever do. I thought for sure that Justin would let me go as a client because if you don't have honesty, then what do you have? Justin didn't let me go. He was hurt, but he forgave me and we put it behind us. That really meant a lot to me and I knew from that day forward I would never lie to him again and to this day I haven't.
I had to figure out why I was turning to food for comfort and I had to figure out why I lied, so not only was I learning about my body physically, but I was also growing spiritually and mentally. I have a counselor that has helped me with all of this.
During all of these up and downs, I had gained some of the weight I had lost back and I was really getting down. I could either let this get to me or get my butt in gear. I decided it was time to get my butt in gear.
I'm no longer turning to food for comfort. I turn to God, write poetry, and journal when I'm frustrated. I also have a punching bag in my gym, so that comes in handy too. I have always had a personal relationship with God, but this past year my relationship with Him has grown so much. I love that God loves me where I am, how I am, and loves me for who I am and not what I do. I've always known this, but this is the first time I really feel it and get it.
I figured out that the lying had a lot to do with worrying about what others thought and feeling like I was going to let people down. I have spent my whole life worrying what others think, letting people down, and putting everyone else first. After all the stuff with Justin I realized the only person I need to worry about is myself and I don't need to worry about what anyone thinks anymore except God. If I'm doing what He wants everything else will take care of itself.
Another thing I have learned this year is to be more communicative. When it gets tough my usual MO is to not talk about it. Keep things in. Say that I am fine even when I am not. Justin has made me communicate with him. He won't allow me to say "I'm fine" anymore or be silent. It's not always easy to tell him how I am doing, but I am communicating better and things are going better because of it. I am also making a HUGE effort to communicate better in my everyday life. I do not need to keep things in anymore. I stand up for myself when needed and let people know when things hurt me. I feel so much better now that I communicate better. Holding things in only led to me not feeling good about myself, which ultimately led to me turn to food for comfort and we all know where that leads.
Another huge corner that I have turned is that I no longer hang on to the past. That has been an up and down battle all year. I had lost 106 before and I gained all of it back except for 1 pound. I was looking to that as a major failure. I was also dwelling on other mistakes from my past and situations that had come my way in life. I was not forgiving myself. In fact I was turning to food through all of this. Even though I felt bad about gaining the weight back I would turn to food, which would just make me feel worse. It was and is a vicious cycle and one that no one will understand until they have walked in my shoes.
In the last few weeks God has really freed me from my past. He tells me to not dwell on the past in the Bible. It says in Isaiah 43:18 "Do not dwell on the past; Forget the former things." If God can forgive me and doesn't dwell on my past mistakes, it was time for me to do the same. I feel like I have turned a HUGE corner with this and it was like a ton of bricks was lifted up off my back. It will always be a struggle, but it is one that I am beating more and more everyday.
My goal this past year was to lose 100 pounds. Did I hit that goal? No. Am I disappointed? I was at first, but as I looked at the past year and all that I have learned and how much I have grown, I know that everything that happened, happened for a reason and I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
How much did I lose? I have lost 30 pounds this year. That is on average 1/2 a pound a week. I'm back at it. I'm mentally and spiritually the strongest I have ever been and I look forward to this next year. I know that with God, Justin, and my Counselor, James, helping me I will hit all the goals that I have.
Justin, thanks for a great year. Thanks for never giving up on me. Thanks for not letting me quit when I wanted to. Thanks for holding me on the treadmill. Thanks for challenging me. Thanks for all the encouragement. Thanks for getting tough when I needed you too. I look forward to this next year and am so glad that I have you by my side.
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