Saturday, January 30, 2010

A Letter To Zoe

While on my weight loss journey I have been working on a lot mentally. I have had a lot of questions in the last year about my faith in God. I have had my ups and my downs in life. I have been trying to get this all straightened out so that I can never emotionally eat again. On January 27, 2010 I met with a new counselor to continue the mental journey I am on. We had a great session. On January 27th, 2010 a little 22 month old sweetheart named Zoe was drawing her last breath. She had Trisomy 18. I have run races in her honor. When I read on Thursday that she had passed away, my heart was crushed. I have had two days to do a lot of self reflection. I wrote Zoe a letter. Read on and see what I have learned about myself from this little one's life. Zoe, you have changed my life FOREVER. I will never forget you and never forget how God has used you in my life. I will never waste another day.

Dear Zoe Girl,

Hi Sweetie! We have never met in person, but I feel like I know you because of reading your Daddy's blog and facebook page. I loved reading about you and all of your adventures. you would always bring a smile to my face and there were days that I needed that. I am sad that I will never meet you here on earth. VERY SAD. Your Daddy and I were just talking about when I could make it to Wisconsin to meet you all in person and hang out. I look forward to meeting you in Heaven someday. I cannot wait to see you running towards me calling out my name. I think your brother, Ethan, said it best when he said you were eating cereal for breakfast, running, and doing handstands. I love picturing you doing those things.

Zoe, Have you met my mom yet? I'm sure you have. Her name is Patti, but kids call her Miss Patti. She loved kids while she was on earth and I know she's lovin' on kids in Heaven too. I'm sure she's met you and is lovin' on you Zoe girl. I like picturing her taking care of all the little children that are waiting for their reunions with their Mommys and Daddys. Don't worry she will love on you until you are reunited with your Mommy, Daddy, Brothers, and Sisters.

Sweet Zoe girl, I have a little confession to make. I've been pretty selfish lately. I've been having a pity party. I've been feeling sorry for all these things that have happened in my life. I have been very angry, very angry at God. Instead of living each day to its fullest, like you, I've been just skimming by, going through the motions. Telling myself that I could just do what I wanted, that God was just going to let me down again anyway. I would read about His miracles and get mad, really mad. I wanted to know why he chose not to save my baby sister, my mom, or kids with Trisomy like you. I started distancing myself from others, and from Team Trisomy. If I distanced myself I couldn't be hurt of let down.

In some of my darkest hours I talked to your Daddy. He told me no matter what Jesus loves me and has never let me go. He told me to just talk to God and tell Him about how I was feeling and He would meet me where I was. I started to a little here and there, started back to church. It was slow, but it was a start. I was still fighting it, still angry, and God and Satan were in an all our tug of war for my life. I knew I needed help so I called up my church and asked ot see a counselor. Guess when my first session was? January 27th 2010, the day you passed away. While you were fighting for your life, I was starting to fight for mine in a different sense.

i have had a lot happen in my life sine I was 7 years old, but my counselor was showing me the fact that God was there for me. One thing that he said to me that has changed my thinking is this, "Melissa you are not God. When tough things come your way just say, 'I am not God. I don't understand this, but He does and He's in control. Only He needs to know the Whys. I will trust HIm.' "My counselor reminded me How much Jesus loves me and that He is grieved by what's happened to me. It was the first time in years that I felt it.

Then the next morning I read that you went home to be with Jesus. I wept. I wept because I will miss you. I wept for your Mom and Dad. I wept for your brothers and sisters, but you know why I wept the most. Because I have wasted so much time in my 36 years of life. I have felt sorry for myself, I turned my back, and gave up. You never did that. Zoe, in your life and death you have taught me so much and your life was not in vain. you lived every day to the fullest. You never gave up. you were a fighter. I have just gone through this life going through the motions. When I heard you died I told God, "God, Thanks goodness Im not you and I don't have to understand why Zoe girl had to have Trisomy and why she couldn't have lived longer. Thank you for loving us and for being in control. We may not understand, but we trust you. Please tell Zoe I miss her, but I will never waste another day."

Zoe girl, today I am making a pledge to you and God. I am going to live each day to the fullest. I am going to give everything to God even if I don't like it or understand the whys. I am going to concentrate on how much He loves me and remember that no matter what He will never let go of me. I have been away from God for years and because of you, Zoe Girl, I am back and I have learned so much about God and His love for us. Because of you I no longer have my back turned on Him. The night you were drawing your last breath, I was drawing my first. Thank you so much, Zoe, for everything I am forever changed because of you. Greg, Jen, and kids, thanks for sharing Zoe with us. I am forever grateful.

Much love, Melissa Black-PROUD MEMBER OF TEAM TRISOMY. My next race is for you ZOE GIRL. HUGS and KISSES.


Deirdre said...

Thank you so much for putting your words and feelings out there for the world to see. I admire your determination to race and to tell your story.
May the Lord continue to bless you as He comes to you in His Word. Our weakness meets His strength. Praise be to God!

Zoe's Aunt Deirdre

Mommymeepa said...

Thanks Deirdre. I am so sorry for your family's loss. I am praying for you all and will be there tomorrow to help you all celebrate Zoe's precious life.