Saturday, June 05, 2010

Some days it's hard, very hard.

So I have promised myself that I would always be honest talking about my journey. I would talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly. I wouldn't sugar coat anything, so here it goes.

This journey is hard.
I love being on this journey and some days I hate it.
I hate that even after losing 93 pounds I still have to struggle every day with negative thoughts. Now most days I can overcome them and I no longer believe them, but they are there. From what I hear from two friends who combined have lost over 300 pounds, it never goes away. They struggle daily. Even though they are lifetime members at Weight Watchers and are only required to attend one meeting a month, they attend weekly because they need to. They will for the rest of their lives. I will be the same way.

Last week I hit 93 pounds lost. That is huge. I'm so very proud of this accomplishment. The thing is I didn't really do much to lose the 4 pounds that I lost. I'm not even sure how I lost it. I would love to say I worked hard for it, but I didn't. I've had some health issues come up with my stomach and my back and haven't even been able to workout like I want. So, as exciting as it was and is, I don't even know how it happened. I was hoping for just one pound to hit 90 lost and hit 93.
Today I go back to Weight Watchers. I don't want to go. I really don't. I know I gained a couple pounds. As much as people tell me not to weigh myself at home I need to. I'm not obsessive about weighing at home, but I need to know what to expect as I head to the WW scale. It's not going to be pretty today. I know that I gained a couple of pounds. I don't want to go and face it. I don't want to go and hear the Weight Watcherisms from the people that weigh me in. It's not their fault they are just trying to help, but sometimes you just want to weigh in, deal with it alone, and not hear them say anything. And if the people that weigh me in read this please know that I love and appreciate you very much. This is totally about me, NOT YOU!!

I have been having some stomach issues, and some back issues too, so working out has not been easy the last couple of weeks. Also, and I know you guys hate when I talk about this, but I am a lady about to get her period too, so I know this has all played a role in the couple pounds weight gain, so I am not going to beat myself up, but even knowing all these things, and knowing that life happens, it is still hard and that is why I don't want to go to Weight Watchers today.

November 8th, 2008, started my journey for the final time and I am succeeding this time. I promised myself that day that I would never skip another weight watchers meeting and I haven't. That is why I will go today, that is why I will weigh in today. Because I have spent too many years running from my problems and to food for comfort.

I have not had two good weeks in a row at weight watchers in forever. I was hoping this week would change that, but that is my new goal now. I wanted to have lost 100 pounds by my triathlon on the 13th. That most likely won't happen now, but that's ok. My new goal is to see how close I can get. I'm starting again today. I'll go weigh in and start my 2 good weeks in a row goal over. I can do this and I will. I will hit over 100 lost by my triathlon on July 11th. I have never done a triathlon under 200 pounds and I am determined to be under 200 by July 11th.

What I have been doing this morning as I have all these thoughts is to think of my successes that I have had.

-I have lost over 90 pounds
-I am a size 16/18 28's were tight at my heaviest.
-I biked 31 miles last Sunday and only had to stop at the two rest stops they had.
-Someone found me on the Internet and Interviewed me about my journey to be in the Daily Herald this week.
-I started a group at my church with a friend called Healthy Living: Inside and Out, to help other women in the church get healthy.
-I finally love what I see in the mirror.
-I like having my picture taken now.
-I am starting to be able to see the definition of my muscles.
-This is the first time in years that I can truly say I LOVE MYSELF and I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY and I DESERVE SUCCESS.

Writing this has made me feel so much better and ready to face Weight Watchers.
Have a great day today and be great today.

2 comments:

Will said...

Melissa,

You are a ROCK STAR

You've lost over 93 pounds. If that negative voice wants to talk to you, you can send it my way first and I'll beat the snot out of it!

You have everything to be proud about and you are looking at such a bright future. I know that you can reach your goal, and It sounds like you know you can!!

I read a good book not too long ago that helped me with the negative voice that hautned me all my life "When Panic Attacks" by david burns. good book, check it out if you get a chance!

Anyway, I love your blog, keep up the good work. I'm a Beachbody coach, so if there is anything I can ever do for you stop by my Beachbody coach site www.fitnessachievement.com

Be well and be blessed!

Marv said...

I understand about the ebb and flow of the training/self-discipline. Peaks and valleys in the enthusiasm and committment seem to have to be dealt with like the changing terrain on the race course. My own blog is about this journey also:
http://milesofthejourney.blogspot.com I have found the valleys drive me closer to The Source, as you referred in your Bible verse..."I can do all things through (not me but)----"