Monday, November 26, 2012
Excuses, Excuses, Excuses
Today marks three weeks since I started working out with Justin, my new personal trainer. The first two weeks with him were awesome. I lost 7 1/2 pounds. I was and am very happy with those results, but then things started going downhill.
Downhill because of me, not because of Justin. My history with getting healthy has always had a trend. This trend is that I cannot string together more than two weeks of doing well. I end up self-sabatoging myself and I don't know why. I was very excited to get a third week in a row of losing weight, but then the excuses started coming.
It's Thanksgiving week. We all know what happens at Thanksgiving we eat. I did well eating the day of Thanksgiving, but at night cleaning up and putting away all the desserts, I just couldn't help myself.
It's ok though I ate well during the day, so this dessert isn't so bad. As I was putting it my mouth I was telling myself I shouldn't be doing it, but I still did.
The next day the same thing. I had more pie and added whip cream. The next excuse I told myself is that (Sorry Guys) it was that time of the month this past week. You know you always crave salty and sweets. And today when I weighed myself and gained 3 pounds back I excused it with this fact. It's Thanksgiving, it's that time of the month. I already messed up, so I might as well eat it. All excuses. All sound so stupid now that I am writing about it, but these are all things that went through my head this week when making bad eating choices, trying to justify what I was doing.
Third day in a row having sweets, told myself it was because I was down about missing Eli, my friend's baby who died a month ago. Having Eli die has raised a lot of feelings within me regarding when my own sister, Blessing, died. I was the same age as Eli's big sister, Abby, 7. So when I was down this week, I did what has become habit for me, I turned to food and justified it by telling myself it was because of missing Eli. I am truly grieving him and what his wonderful parents are going through, but I need to find a healthy way to work my way through this, through all these excuses.
Since 2010 I have been doing a great job of making excuses. People have been helping me make excuses. "Melissa, you got diagnosed with Crohn's." "Don't forget you moved across the country." "You've had injuries this past year. Don't be so hard on yourself." Not only have these things happened to me, but I have added to those excuses. I have had a hard time making friends here, I have suffered from depression since moving here. When things get hard for me I close down, I don't want to talk about it and that is basically what I have done for the last 2 years. In 2008-2009 I lost over 100 pounds on the way to a healthier lifestyle. After my Crohn's diagnosis things went downhill and I let all these excuses become my inner dialog and I have gained back the 100 pounds I lost.
These are all legit things that have happened in my life, but they have become excuses for me not to do what I need to do.
Crohn's yes I got diagnosed. Yes, the meds made me gain about 40 pounds back at the beginning. Yes, I had to change my diet. Yes, it was hard, but it's been two years and I only have symptoms from time to time now and the meds I am on now do not cause me to gain weight anymore. No more reason for this to be an excuse in my journey.
Yes, I moved across the country. Yes, It's been hard. Yes, it's been a year and still feel alone, but I am starting to change that. Staying in and feeling sorry for myself is not going to happen anymore. I'm set in my volunteer work and enjoying getting out and doing new things.
My depression is gone for the most part. I got back in touch with my counselor that I worked with in Illinois and we are talking through the hard stuff. I no longer can use the move and depression as an excuse to be unhealthy.
My injuries are healed and to be honest I'm sure my weight and the weight gain over the last year didn't help. As I lose weight I know that these two areas, my knee and hip will continue to get stronger and healthier. I will no longer use my injuries as excuses to not be healthy.
I am very sad about Eli dying and it brings up memories of when I was 7 and lost my baby sister. I am choosing to not turn to food to deal with the grief. Eli fought every day of his 5 months to live his life to the fullest he could. My sister, Blessing, lived for 5 days. They both overcame odds to live as long as they could and lived their little lives to the fullest.
My mom died at the age of 53. My mom was the most amazing person you could ever meet. She died of cancer, but I watched her not take care of her health for years leading up to her death and I feel that contributed to her getting sick and passing on.
I no longer want to live like this. Each of these people that have passed on before me lived full lives and fought to stay alive and didn't win the battle. I am here on this earth, doing the things I know the Lord wants me to do, but not living to His full potential for me. If I keep making excuses like I've been doing for the last 2 years I could possibly die young like my mom. Here I am being given more days on this earth and the last couple years I haven't lived to my full potential and this past week used these excuses to justify my bad decisions.
My mom, my sister, and Eli are examples to me of how to live my life and today I am refocusing on what I need to do.
Today was my third meeting with Justin. It was so hard to tell him I gained 3 pounds back. It was hard to look him in the eye. It was hard to realize how my life is full of so many excuses. Justin was great. He didn't make me talk about anything. However, we made a deal that if it happens again I will talk to him. By the end of the workout I did open up a little, but later as I was thinking about it, I realized again, how I was using things as excuses for my bad choices. They were bad choices, that's all there is to it.
I will not dwell on the past. I will move forward, but this time I will look forward without excuses in my way. Today, during my workout, there were things Justin asked me to do, and he said to me, "Stop thinking about it and do it. You're getting in your own way." Boy, isn't that the truth. I just need to get out of my own way and do what I need to do.
My brother Jordan told me this week to "suck it up buttercup."
Jordan, that's what I'm going to do and get this done once and for all.
No more excuses.
I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength- Phil. 4:13
Lord, I give this journey to you. I cannot do it alone, so I give this all to you. Thank you for all that has gone on in my life to make me a better person. I know that you don't give me more than I can handle. Everything that has happened in the last 2 years I thank you for. Please help me use these experiences to become a better person. Please help me not to use these situations as excuses, but as building blocks to better myself. Help me to learn more about you through this journey and become a better person because of it all. In Jesus' name-AMEN!!
Posted by Melissa