Sunday, November 11, 2012

Some thoughts on my new journey

Tomorrow I start working out with my new personal trainer, Justin. I go into this workout with mixed emotions. I’m excited because I am ready to take my life back, but I am scared as all get out too. Justin and I have talked about this and he tells me there is no reason to be nervous or scared. Keith tells me that I don’t need to be nervous and assures me that I am going to be “amazing.”

I know that I don’t need to be nervous, but the thoughts of where I was and where I am now creep into my thinking. As I walked on the treadmill this week I realized how far I have let myself go. I realize that turning to food and not working out was not the way to go, but for some reason that is the way I went, but I need to focus on the fact that starting tomorrow morning I am changing, I am working my way back to where I was, but this time I want it to be a change that is for the rest of my life.
And that’s the problem. I start thinking about am I going to be able to do it once and for all this time? Last time I lost over 100 pounds I told myself I would NEVER EVER go back anywhere near 300 pounds again and yet here I am, starting weight, 305 pounds. I was sincere, but here I am. These are the thoughts that are running through my mind as I look to tomorrow for the start of my journey.

Again, this all goes back to my theme verse for this journey, Isaiah 43:18, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.” This is a great verse in theory. It’s a very true verse. We shouldn’t dwell on the past, but how do you really do this? All my thoughts are about where I was before, where I am now, thinking about how I used to do races, and now can barely walk for 30 minutes on a treadmill. Will I be able to do it like I did it before?

None of this matters. What I should be dwelling on is the fact that after a hard 2 years of a Crohn’s diagnosis, a major move, depression, injuries, and dealing with some hard situations with friends and family, I am taking my life back. Two weeks ago I emailed a personal trainer, I met with him for a consultation, and I started eating right again this past week. I need to focus on the fact that I am making HUGE strides in my walk with God and in working with my counselor. Things are really starting to come together for me, but I can’t seem to shake the past.

So what I am realizing this as I type this is that, day by day, I need to change my thinking. Seriously, the past is the past. There’s nothing I can do to change that. I made decisions that weren’t good, but now I’m making good ones. Focus on what I am doing and not what I’ve done in the past. Focus on the positive and not the negative.

Tomorrow I start a new chapter. I work out with Justin and make a plan. I am still really nervous, but am also excited. Excited to start changing my life once and for all. I looking forward to the future and not dwelling on the past. I can do this and I am so glad that you are here with me on this journey to encourage me and cheer me on. I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow if I can still move.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

So proud of you MeMe! We love you so much and can't wait to see you succeed! We know you have it in you! Operation Barn Burner is underway!
Love ya,