Can't Sleep.

I am finding that I cannot sleep tonight.
When this happens I usually just toss and turn, but I have too much on my mind.
I've been thinking about my counseling session from this past wednesday and something my counselor challenged me on.
He challenged me to work on deepening my relationship with God.
That has been on the back burner for awhile now.
He said that I am making so many great strides in my life that it is now time to work on this area.
I was raised in a Christian home.
I have grown up in church.
I am an adult now and have been struggling for awhile with my walk with God. Is it my walk with God? My family's? Just what do I believe?
Through my counseling I am figuring out that there are several reasons for that struggle.
I am angry about a lot of stuff that has happened in my life.
I do not understand why my baby sister had to die.
I do not understand why other situations had to happen in my childhood.
I do not understand why my mom had to die at the age of 53.
I do not understand a lot of what has happened in my life.
I do not understand how God could "allow" these things to happen.
My coach has been working with me on reframing certain things in my life.
My counselor has been doing the same thing.
I talked about it in another post.
Was it really a near drowning accident or just a bad swimming incident?
I have started this week to take all the situations that have caused me stress and have started reframing them.
I've started to see that through them all God was there for me. He's still there for me. He has never let go of me.
He will never let go of me. He loves me so much that he sent His son to die for me. THAT's HUGE!!
Someone who loves me that much only has the best in mind for me. There is no way for me to even begin to comprehend His love for me. There is no way for us to understand it. We look at His love through earthly eyes.
We have loved here on earth and been hurt. We have had people tell us they love us and betray us. We have told people we loved them and betrayed them. There are even songs that talk about how LOVE HURTS or is even a battlefield, so no wonder our thoughts on His love for us our skewed.
We might even start to think that way about Him.
We can tell ourselves, "I prayed for my Mom not to die of her cancer and she did. He doesn't love me."
"I prayed for my mom to have a baby and she did, but then my sister died. That's not how love looks."
I started to look at these situations and think what did I do wrong? Why would God do this to me? How could a God that loves me allow things to happen to me like this? He must not really love me. I must have done something wrong. My family must have done something wrong otherwise we wouldn't be going through all that we are going through. But like I said as I look through each of these situations and take away the anger, the resentment, and the bitterness that have been blinding me for years, I see a clearer picture, I see how He helped me through, how the situations I went through have helped others in their lives, how He was there for me in ways I have never seen and I'm happy. Not happy that these things happened, but happy that I can see clearly now, take the blinders off and see things in a new light. It's hard to explain, to put into words exactly.

One thing also that I have been struggling with is getting into reading my Bible again. I really felt guilty about this and James (my counselor) has helped me with that. He has told me that he would like me to find creative ways to spend time with God. He wants me reading my Bible, but not feeling like I have to spend a set amount of time in prayer and reading my Bible. I have grown up my whole life hearing, "You must read your Bible and pray everyday." Yes, that statement is good, but if you miss a day and feel guilty and then one day turns into two etc, the whole point is lost. When I look at creative ways to spend time with God and don't feel so regimented about it I am finding that I want to spend more time reading my Bible and praying. I like to think of it this way, I need to spend time worshipping Him everyday. That can be through music, taking in His nature on a hike or bike ride, reading my Bible, listening to music, listening to a dramatic version of the Bible on CD, memorizing a verse, writing out prayers, and just loving on Him. I also have released the idea of "Having to do it everyday." I should do it everyday, I should want to do it everyday, but if I don't, that's ok. I"ll just do it the next day.

I have grown leaps and bounds mentally. I have become a new person physically and a new athlete and now it's time to work on the spiritual aspect of my life. I have been away from God a lot longer then I would care to admit, but I'm coming around and working through the spiritual issues I have had and am excited about how it is going. I like that I am figuring this all out for myself and it's not someone telling me how or what I should be doing. I am figuring this all out on my own and am enjoying finding my true relationship with God.

There have been some of you that I have talked to during this journey about the spiritual aspect. I didn't know where I was headed. I didn't know how much of my faith was my own or my family's. You have all been wonderful in helping through this time in my life and I appreciate you all very much. Some of you are of the same beliefs as me, some of you are not, but each of you have helped me in different ways and for that I am grateful.

I have been pretty quiet for years now about the spiritual aspect of my life and the reason for that is because of the struggles, and questions I have had, but just like I will be talking about the physical, and mental aspects of my journey, I will also be talking about the spiritual aspects. If you aren't interested feel free to not read, but if you want to follow me on my complete journey then please read. Feel free to comment, but know that if there are any comments that are rude concerning the beliefs that I have, I will delete them. Just like I don't give those of you with different beliefs from me a hard time, I ask that you show the same respect to me. Thanks for understanding.

I'm heading to bed now and hopefully will be able to sleep. Have a great Sunday and be great.