A small plot

I didn't avoid weight watchers and found out that I gained 1.8 pounds. It is what is is and as a great blogger once said (Run4change) this is just a small plot on the journey. I know why I gained. I will learn from this gain and move on to make the rest of my journey successful. Remember no matter what journey you are on do not let a little mistake get you down. A couple of weeks ago I was ready to throw in the towel, yesterday I was ready to avoid everything. Today I let out a sigh of relief. I faced the bad and guess what? It wasn't as bad as I thought. I will learn from it and move on. Next week will be much better. I guarantee it.

Goals for this week:

Track everything I eat

Workout 5 days

Have fun at my 5k next Saturday and try and beat my best time of 50 minutes.

Have a blessed weekend.

Avoidance

I want to avoid personal training today.
I want to avoid Weight Watchers tomorrow.
I want to just stick my head in the sand and pull it out next week.

I only had 1.4 pounds to lose this week to hit 40 pounds lost.
I froze up. I didn't have a good eating week. I will probably have a gain.
I started out having a great workout week, but that went down the tubes after my back went out.
I know there are ups and downs on this journey, but this week should not have been a bad week. This one I could have controlled and that is why I want to avoid all that holds me accountable.

Over the years of becoming overweight I have become the queen of excuses and I have a list of them for this week.

I emailed my coach and told him about my back, so this morning I figured I was going to call or email him and tell him that working out would not be good because of my back. The thing is my back is feeling better, not great, but better. I also forgot when I set up the time to meet with him that Parker had a half day of school. I can't possibly work out with him now. I need to take care of Parker.

I did email him this morning, but it was more to see if I could change the time not get out of it. I cannot live a life of excuses anymore. I screwed up this week and that's all there is to it.

About Weight Watchers I DO NOT WANT TO GO. My leader has been bragging about me to my group and it has added pressure to me. I'm pretty sure I have gained weight this week and I don't want to have to go and deal with that since so much was said last week about how great I'm doing. I'm thinking of going and just not weighing in (that's an option they give), but then I feel that if I go I might as well weigh in and face the music. Again, I am full of excuses as to why I shouldn't go. My sis-n-law is here from Canada, my daughter has guitar, I have a class I need to take at the gym. My husband is out of town tomorrow. Again, all legit, but not reasons for me to not go to weight watchers and weigh in. They have a 7:30am meeting, so there is no excuse for me not to go, but I DON'T WANT TO GO.

I did this to myself by not tracking what I ate and not keeping on top of what I need to do to stay healthy. In the past I would have skipped weight watchers for a few weeks. I know that I cannot do that this time. It is so much harder to go back after skipping for awhile. I would have avoided all these people in my life that care. My coach won't be thrilled, but he will help me get back on track and ask me the questions I need to be asked so this won't happen again. My weight watchers leader will encourage me to get back on track and my WW friends will be there for me.

Why do I want to avoid all these people that are part of my team to encourage me and support me? At first I was going to say I don't know, but I realize it's cause I'm embarrassed that I fell into some old habits this week. I feel like I have let everyone down, but in reality I have only let myself down. One of those old habits is to avoid things when it gets tough, but I do not want to be that person anymore. I will not be that person anymore. I will not avoid going to personal training today. I will not avoid weight watchers tomorrow. Will it be hard? Heck Yeah. Will I work hard so I won't have to feel this way again? Heck Yeah! Do I appreciate everyone in my life that is helping me on this journey? Heck Yeah!

Here are some Haikus on the topic: (5 syllables in first line, 7 in second, 5 in last line)

Avoiding is bad
It will not help you move on
Face it head on now

I will not avoid
I want to succeed in life
No more excuses

Old habits die hard
I do not like the old me
Watch out world I'm here

Got a Massage. NEVER again!!

I started going to a new chiropractor a couple weeks ago. I have had a very sore spot on my lower back for YEARS. I mean it's sore. How sore you might ask? It's so sore that if you barely touch it it hurts. Well, I'm tired of it hurting, so I decided it was time to get something done about it, so I found a new chiropractor. His name is Dr. O'Hara and I absolutely heart him. Well, he suggested that I get a massage to help loosen up things a bit.

I decided to give it a try and got one on Tuesday morning. I started feeling pain within a couple of hours and have been out of commission since. Now don't get me wrong the lady who gave me the massage was great. She let me know everything she was doing and did a great job, but there was one area she worked on where it HURT bad, but I wanted to try and let her work through it, ya know, loosen things up. I have been in pain since. Haven't been able to work out and could barely walk yesterday. This morning the pain continues to shoot in my back and down my leg. I'm going to see Dr. O'Hara this morning so maybe he can straighten me out. I'm just really frustrated.

I've been working out with a coach very aggressively and have only had my back hurt once in 4 months and it wasn't this bad. I have introduced running into my workout and my back has been great. I get a massage and BAM I'm out of commission. It has really been frustrating and I will continue to be frustrated until I feel better. I know I need to continue to work on my back, but this is when I want to stop going. I have learned to adapt in life with my back, now I'm trying to get better and it hurts. It makes me want to just go back to how I was doing things. I know that's no way to live, but it sure beats the pain I am feeling today.

The little funny side note to this massage is that my best bud Darlene is a massage therapist. I told her Saturday I was going to cheat on her with another massage therapist. I called her yesterday saying, "OWWWW, I'm so sorry I cheated on you." LOL She forgave me and told me that she'll do all my future massages. We'll see because until I can walk upright again I'm not too excited about getting a massage from anyone best friend or not.

Please pray for quick healing in my back. Thanks.

My own Triathlon-run,swim, and bike

Today was amazing. This morning I decided to go for a walk/run. I went to map my run and figured out a route. I walked/ran approx. 1.32 miles in 24 minutes. I felt good, but made the observation that it is a lot different for me to run on a treadmill and outside. On the treadmill I can put my treadmill on a certain speed that I know I can maintain and I can push through it. I never slow down. I don't have to run on an incline, so there are no hills. Outside today I think I was slowing down and speeding up way more than I do on the treadmill and I feel like I was slower because I hit some little hills, but I was very happy with how it went and cannot wait to do it again.

We went out to eat as a family and then I went to the gym with Parker. We went in the pool. We played together for a little bit and then I swam laps. I swam about a third of a mile and then played with Parker again. Playing with Parker was also a good workout. He was riding on my back while I was swimming.

I got home and the family was doing their own thing. The boys were watching the NCAA tournament and Tricia was taking a nap, so I decided it was time to go for a bike ride. I figured I had swam, ran, and needed to bike to round out the day. I headed out and boy was it cold. I couldn't feel my finger tips after about 5 minutes. I rode through the neighborhood and ended up at a beach and decided to sit and reflect on where I have been in my life, where I am now, and where I want to go.

I was looking at the still lake, watching some ducks, and my mind turned to Ironman. I want it so bad. I want to be an Ironman. I know that I can be an Ironman. In the last couple of weeks I have given into the negative thoughts in my mind telling me that I cannot do what I dream of doing. I can do it. Right there by the lake, bike by my side, looking out at the lake I had a breakthrough. I will be an Ironman.

I rededicated my journey to God. I told Him how badly I want this, but that I cannot do it without Him. I was watching the sun begin to set, listening to birds, ducks, and nature realizing how awesome this all is. How awesome God is in all that he has created. He also created my amazing body, which I am on a journey to make whole again, so that I can be an IRONMAN. I thanked Him for all these things and asked Him to help me complete this journey that we all call IROMAN. I know that with His help I will be able to do this. I can try this on my own, but that has never worked. I can rely on my personal coach or my weight watcher leader, but ultimately it will be God that will help me succeed. I am refocused and excited to start a new week. I'm excited to continue on my journey and see how God is going to use all of this for His glory.

As far as my eating is going it is going well. I have reclaimed a Bible verse that helped me in the past. This will be my theme verse again for my eating.

Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him. Psalm 34:8

I need to be taking refuge in the Lord instead of taking refuge in food. I need to see that it is the Lord that is good in my life not that short satisfaction that comes with eating some junk food. After that small satisfaction comes the guilt and all the negative thoughts that take me further and further from God, so I need to focus on Him in those hard times, focus on how good he is, take refuge in Him, and He will see me through those times way better than any food will ever do. With this new focus I know that I am going to do well.

I had a great weigh in at weight watchers today. I lost 4.6 pounds and have now lost a grand total of 38.6.
I also hit a huge milestone today. I went from the 270's to the 260's. I am now 267.6. My goal for this week is to lose 1.4 pounds bringing my total to 40 pounds lost. I know I can do this.

Just wanted to thank everyone that has encouraged me over the last couple of weeks when I wanted to give up. I appreciate you all more than you'll ever know. I wanted to give a special shout out to Darlene, Matt, Jason, Megan, Jordan, Kelly, Kirk, and Dave. Thanks guys for being there for me through thick and thin and believing in me when it's hard to believe in myself. Thanks again.

Did it again!!

I ran for another 10 minutes straight and beat my mile record for the second day in a row. I did my mile in 16 minutes and 45 seconds. I cannot wait to go to Weight Watchers tomorrow and weigh in and tell my group about my running. Watch out world here I come.

I did something I have NEVER done before.

Tonight I went to personal training. I had the exact opposite experience from last week. I had my session with Matt and then I stayed for an extra 1/2 hour afterwards. I asked him what he would like me to do. He said, "Go on the treadmill and walk 5, run 10 for 30." I said, "Um what? Did you just say walk 5, run 10?" He said, "Yup." I said, "I'll try." Well, I'm excited to report that I walked 5, ran 10, walked 30 seconds, ran 1 1/2 minutes, which was 1 mile in 17 minutes. That is a personal best for me. Then I walked 3, ran 5, walked 2, ran 3. I did 2 miles in 34 minutes and 30 seconds. Remember this was all after Matt kicked my butt in a personal training session. If I didn't feel like I was going to puke I probably would have cried. I just took my run in 1 minute intervals until I reached the 10 minutes. Last week Matt asked me to run 4 and I hit a wall mentally and thought I was going to die. Today I just told myself you can do it and I did it. What a HUGE difference in just one week.

This just goes to show you that no matter what you think you CAN'T do you really can with the right mind set.

Funny Cartoon

Funny cartoon, but with a bit of truth to it. I cannot wait to get rid of all those extra rolls. I CAN DO IT!!

I lost .4 pounds this past week. That brings my grand total to 34 pounds lost. WAHOOOOO!!!!!

rough personal training

I had a rough personal training session.
I have prided myself that since November I have never told my coach that I CAN'T do something. Tonight I did and I'm very frustrated at myself. It has gotten me down and questioning a lot about myself. Just when I think I'm getting somewhere I realize I'm not as far as I thought I was. My coach, Matt, was great. He helped me push through and do what I needed to do, but I was mentally not there and the negative stuff I was telling myself made it very hard. I'm ticked at myself. He said that I can do a whole lot more than I'm allowing myself to do. He's right and I don't know how to get over some mental hurdles that I face everyday.

The questions I am asking myself tonight:

Am I really cut out to be an Ironman?
Am I really ready to let it all go and do amazing things?
Why am I so scared to go to the next level?
I get ignored by thinner women. Do I want to become one of them?
Will I start ignoring others?
Will being thin change who I am?
Am I really going to be able to accomplish all that I want to?
Why am I doing all this? What's the point?
Why when things get hard do I tend to back off and not face them head on?
Why can my coach believe in me, but I cannot believe in myself?
Why can't I look myself in the mirror while I am personal training?
Why am I scared of succeeding? The alternative is dying young and that's a lot more scary.
Why did I tell my coach I can't, when I can?
Why do I feel like going and eating everything there is in this house?
Why do I have to deal with being fat when there are skinny people in the world that can eat all the crap they want and never gain any weight?
Why is losing weight so painful?
Why when I start succeeding at weight loss do I let all the mental games get ahold of me?
Why do I not believe I deserve this?
Why do I feel so down tonight?

That's how I'm feeling. Any comments would be great.

*******UPDATE********

I wrote the above post not long after getting home from personal training. I emailed two of my friends venting my frustrations and my questions. Megan and Jason, I just want to say thank you so much for your emails. You helped me to focus on where I have come from and all that I have accomplished. I tend to focus sometimes on the big picture too much and not focus on my current accomplishments. You both helped me realize (which I know, but just have a hard time believing) that I will do this and that I just need to adjust my thinking. Megan said in her email that if I keep thinking negative that is what will happen. The negative thoughts will come true. I do not want that to happen, so I will not be telling myself that I CAN'T do things. I know that I CAN and I just have to start telling myself that more and more. Jason mentioned that I just had a setback tonight and that I cannot let that ruin what I have going for me. I went to personal training, I worked hard, I wanted to quit, but worked through it and even when Matt said I could be done I pushed myself more and ran and still worked out for 30 additional minutes. Jason, pointed that all out to me that if I really thought I couldn't do it I wouldn't have stayed longer and worked out more. I can be an Ironman, I can lose 130 pounds, I can change my mental thoughts, I CAN DO THIS and want to thank you again Jason and Megan for helping me see the light. I really wanted to emotional eat tonight and I didn't. YAY!! I wanted to throw in the towel just hours ago, but I'm not. I feel much better. I know I will have to work through these mental issues, but now I feel positive about it and know that in the end everything will be ok and I will succeed. Good night everyone.

Wearable Feed Bags

This video had me laughing and grossing out at the same time. Enjoy a good laugh.



New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

My 1 year anniversary

Today marks my 1 year anniversary off soda. I was only drinking diet soda, but it was a lot and the artificial sweeteners were not good for me. Now if something has an artificial sweetener in it I can tell right away and can barely drink it. I'm really proud of myself and have no plan of drinking any. This shows me that I can do anything I put my mind too and SO CAN YOU. Set whatever goal it is you have and get started today. YOU CAN DO IT!! I BELIEVE IN YOU.

EXCITING WW UPDATE

I lost 3.8 pounds this week.
I have lost 33.8 pounds total.
I only have 2.8 pounds to get into the 260's, which is a weight that I have not seen in years.
Thanks for all your support.

I'll write more later. I need to get my boy to Kung Fu, so he can be Kung Fu Fighting and fast as lightening.

Fear of being skinny

My friend Jason over at MY ANGLE ON WEIGHT LOSS has written some great posts today. He has written them on his fears and peoples fears on losing their weight and being skinny after years of being overweight. Jason and I have shared some great emails back and forth on this topic. You would think that one would not be scared of being thin and healthy, but there is fear there and whether or not you get it, IT'S REAL. I wrote a poem as a comment on Jason's blog and wanted to share it with you. Enjoy.



I have been overweight most of my life.
I’m trying to be a good mom and wife.
But fear keeps getting in my way,
so I continue to battle my weight everyday.

If I lose my weight what will people say?
Will they still talk to me and treat me the same way?
Will I lose the friends that I used to eat with?
Will they be jealous because I am fit?

I heard once your thin
people start to notice more and more
My question is what was wrong with me before?

Oh yeah I have a pretty face
and a personality to match
But now my whole package
You think is a catch?

Will I be able to maintain all the weight that I have lost?
Will losing my weight be worth the cost?
The cost of having to do all the things that I never had to do before?
I can’t hide behind my weight working out and eating right seems like such a chore.

To answer the question is it worth it?
Yes it is I’ll say it quick.
No matter it I’m treated differently by friends or my fam
I’ll do it over and over again

I want my kids to grow up with their mom
I want them to think that I’m the bomb
It does not matter about the world
It’s all about my little boy and girl

To be successful is a big fear
But my mom died at age 53, she was a dear
She was obese and not fit at all
and now she’s missing seeing her grandkids grow up tall

So all the fears I have will be put aside
So I can live life to the fullest with my kids
It will be an awesome ride.

I am so frustrated. I have not been able to work out in about a week and a half. Life has been insane, but I am being careful with my eating and am still losing weight. I am almost at 31 pounds lost. Wahoooo!! I cannot wait to get back to the gym and get going. I have a personal training session tomorrow night and look forward to it. Then hopefully I can get back on schedule. I am doing what I can at home to stay active and parking far away at work and when I run errands, so I'm working with what I have. Keith has had to travel and he usually is with the kids when I work out. I have come to appreciate all he does for me more and more each day. Someone asked me lately if it is hard when he travels and my answer was, "We are very blessed in this economy that he is working. What would be hard is if he didn't have a job." Yes, there are hard aspects to having him gone, but like I said he is working and he does come home.

My workout goals for this next week and beyond.

-get to personal training tomorrow night.
-Workout Friday, Saturday, Monday, Tues., Wed. Make sure that I am getting running in there for my 5k that is on April 4th.
-Keep doing well with my weight watchers points
-Weight under 270 by March 17, 2009

What are your goals for this week and beyond? It doesn't have to be working out or losing weight. Just set some and get going on whatever it is you need to do. YOU CAN DO IT and I BELIEVE IN YOU. Have a blessed day.

No more excuses!!

Whatever your excuse for not getting healthy, it's time to put it to rest and get out there. You can do it. I love this video. May it encourage you to not have any excuses and start living. I didn't realize how many excuses had become part of my everyday dialog to myself without even knowing it. Now I have no excuses and I'm starting to live. I'm so amazed at what I am doing and what I will be able to do as I continue my journey. May you begin a journey to health and fitness excuse free. You can do it. I'm here for you and am living proof that it can be done.